Change is a reality of today’s workforce. With increasing opportunities and competition in the job market today, and the high costs of living, families experience commotion in their day to day lives when their loved ones have to move from one place to another for better work. This article aims to share how relocation impacts not just the employee, but also their loved ones; and the strategies that can be used by families to adapt to the changes.
Abhay 31, recently married was only beginning to feel settled into his new stage of life, that he got promoted in his workplace. He was overjoyed that his work had fetched this result for him while his spouse was being called his lucky charm was also happy with his new position. However, the promotion came at a cost for Abhay to relocate to the client location which was in a different city. His spouse was also working in a company and was not ready to quit her job so quickly. Abhay was in a fix when he reached out to the EAP because he had to make a choice between forgoing this important opportunity or staying away from a partner with whom he had developed a growing relationship and attachment.
The initial years of marriage are also when couples only begin to get used to each other and build on their relationship and set goals for their life together. Abhay and his spouse were in the stage of development where it was very important for them to connect, to build on their relationship and to have a feeling of connectedness all the time, yet work is also an essential aspect of one’s identity at this point. To move with Abhay would mean that his spouse would be the trailing spouse – giving up on her job, something that meant a lot to her; giving up on her friends and social relationships and adjusting to a whole new routine and lifestyle. And here, moving along with Abhay would give her only one relationship for intimacy at the possible cost of having to readjust with a whole world of other aspects being drained away. However, staying back in the original town for his spouse would mean that they would need to continuously stay in touch, build and maintain the beauty of their relationship.
In today’s world where job requirements need for us to move from one place to another, it is very likely for a lot of couples to find themselves in a similar situation. While it is sad to have to live away from one’s partner, couples can look at exciting and creative ways to still strengthen their relationship. What can help for those couples who relate to the story of Abhay and his partner is to strengthen communication in their relationship. It is through talking, sharing expectations, stories, ideals, values, visions, making plans for quality time and holidays that you would be able to help your relationship not feel the pressure of geographical distances. With the help of surprises (visits and presents), couples can bring excitement and unpredictability into their relationship.
Sugandha 35, a mother of an eight-year-old boy was concerned about how she could manage childcare and household chores because her husband had recently been transferred to a popular metropolitan city. The family moved together to the new city but their son fought with his parents because he could not bear the separation from his friends. In response to his anger, his parents only told him that he was overreacting, asked him to behave himself and told him that he would make new friends there as well.
Being in the stage of development where Sugandha’s son was only learning to build on his sense of pride and accomplishment through his school work, friendships and social activities; he suddenly felt inadequate and insecure because he felt like he may not be able to measure up to the other kids of his age group in this new city. He was well adjusted to his routine and lifestyle in his hometown. By this stage of development, children form cliques or groups of friends as it gives them a sense of identity and belongingness. It is scary for them to then explore out groups and be the entrants into already formed cliques. Feelings of helplessness and loneliness can be exaggerated as a result of not feeling like they fit in.
On the other hand, Sugandha and her husband were in the stage of development where they wanted intimacy and togetherness in the family. Having to relocate with the whole family was seen as a great move compared to leaving the family behind in the hometown. The decision as it can be imagined was taken by the husband only, while Sugandha just tagged along and expected their son to also accept it with ease.
While it is evident that their son is very vocal about how he feels about the new move, the family is closed to such discussions. Being closed to their son’s fears and insecurities could lead to him feeling that his thoughts don’t matter, feel insignificant, unheard and this could lead to more difficulties for him in the further stages of development. This is more so because the child may stop opening up to his primary caregivers about his thoughts and innermost feelings.
Since the two generations are in different stages of development, it is important for the parents to support and encourage their child so that they feel heard and understood. Rather than tagging their son’s behaviour as being reactive or telling him that he was misbehaving, it would have been ideal for them to provide their child with love and acceptance and to empathise with him. Along with that breaking down how he sees this situation and his fears about not fitting in, they could have brainstormed with him strategies that could help him to face and overcome his challenges and fears. Discussions to help the child to see his own relationship with his parents in a whole new light where family quality time is increased and looked upon as a fun yet meaningful activity, the whole family could come closer. It would have been ideal for Sugandha’s husband to discuss the whole ordeal of moving to a new city, and their thoughts on the same.
Sumit 42, is the only child of his ageing parents. The only condition for him to get his new well-paying job was a transfer to another location which was far from his hometown, where he lived with his parents. Sumit was concerned about how well he would be able to look after them because his parents wanted to continue staying in their own house rather than relocating with their son, though, his mother did ask if it was really necessary for him to make that shift.
Being in a stage of development where Sumit finds meaning from the work that he does, it was a very important step for him to move to the new city to achieve his goals and to feel accomplished with the sense of identity that he gets as a result of the work he does. However, with his parents in the stage where they were retired and ageing, he was concerned for their well-being and the kind of support he would be able to provide to them in times of emergency.
His parents were well adjusted in their home and felt satisfied with having their family live with them. In traditional family settings, we see the whole family live together in their ancestral home. This was a move that they had not imagined. His mother who is in a stage of retirement felt sad about having her son move away from her because this is the relationship which she had invested in all her life. She knew that she would miss him and thus put in a word about letting him know her innermost feelings through this one statement.
In order to ensure that he was able to support his parents emotionally, Sumit promised his parents calls on a daily basis and visits every two months. However, he was concerned about how well they would manage by themselves, for which he arranged for a person who could live with his parents and look after their day to day needs. He also spoke to his neighbours and relatives and took down their numbers and the phone number of the hospital closest to their house, so that he could make sure that help was available for them in case of an emergency. In this way, Sumit managed to make this difficult transition a little easier on his parents and himself.
While the above-mentioned stories are fictitious examples, they aren’t very far from the everyday reality experienced by employees and families who are affected by their loved ones moving away. In case your family or you too are going through any period of change and are finding it difficult to negotiate the same, our counsellors can help you to adjust to the changes and bring in perspectives and ideas to welcome the changes.
You can also go through the article on Change.
Sources:
(n.d.). Lumen Learning – Simple Book Production. Erickson’s 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development | Education, Society, & the K-12 Learner. Retrieved June 27, 2018, from http://courses.lumenlearning.com/teachereducationx92x1/chapter/eriksons-stages-of-psychosocial-development/
McLeod, S. (2018, ). Simply Psychology - Articles for Students. Erik Erikson | Psychosocial Stages | Simply Psychology.Retrieved June 27, 2018, from http://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html
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