SELF HELP RESOURCE - Relationships / Marriage


This article gives tips on how to manage those heated moments where it gets difficult to express oneself and it gets difficult to express oneself and even listen to or understand what the spouse has to say.

•    Say what you mean. Don't assume that the other person ought to know how you feel. Avoid sarcasm; for example, "Of course I don't mind if you go out with your friends again" (said with gritted teeth). Your partner gets a mixed message which is confusing.

•    Avoid attacking the other person with 'You' statements, for example, "You are so selfish and irresponsible". They put your partner on the defensive and lead to counterattack: "You're the one who's selfish". Instead use 'I' statements, for example, "I was angry and disappointed when you didn't come home in time to go for that movie". You are stating how you felt, which cannot be argued, and it is also not directly attacking. At the same time you are clearly stating your feelings.

•    Fight Fair. Don't make personal "below-the-belt" attacks. If you know your partner is very sensitive about his/ her height, education or other attributes, don't bring this up in a fight.

•    When either or both of you are furiously angry, take some time to cool off. Go for a walk, take a shower or count to 100 before you discuss the issue. Harsh words said in a fit of anger can never be taken back, and sometimes take a lifetime to forget.

•    Don't hold on to your anger. Tell your partner as specifically as you can about what has made you angry - listen to him / her with an open mind as well.

•    What doesn't help – sulking, taking your anger out on someone else (often a helpless child - or the dog!) , becoming violent - none of these resolve the issue. If you want something to change, you have to talk about the problem.

Fighting (fairly) is good for a relationship. It keeps you communicating, helps you understand each other's needs and feelings better and work out better ways of relating. It adds spice to your life - and making up after a fight can be great as well!

Latest Comments

GPKR on 30 Jul 2021, 22:09 PM

hope my partner reads one like this

avneetkc on 23 Nov 2020, 17:09 PM

This is a good article, I especially likes the part where it mentioned that the partners must agree to share the chores. In many households that isn\'t much of an option as women are tasked with all the chores without any doubt or discussion on the topic. A healthy division of work is always an important key to keeping al relationships happy.
- Avneet Kaur

Mshuchin on 04 Nov 2019, 10:47 AM

helpful.. thanks

arshprakash on 06 Apr 2017, 14:07 PM

Thanks to the author.really helpful

JayashreeYadav on 26 Nov 2016, 05:52 AM

Hmmm... Good....

kalichmu1 on 26 May 2016, 07:51 AM

well explained.....thankyou...

sundhari on 25 Jan 2016, 04:01 AM

described nicely

Anjum17 on 08 Jan 2016, 03:04 AM

Nice 1 but a typical Indian lecture

abimanyuu on 24 Dec 2015, 10:30 AM

good one

karthikselvi on 18 Dec 2015, 06:08 AM