We are all familiar with the pang of shame that gnaws at us when we do something we know we never meant to do – perhaps succumbing to that slice of chocolate cake while on your second week of keto. And who has not felt the guilt of standing up to a friend at the last minute simply because we just did not feel up to going for that movie? 

Most of us experience guilt and shame in our lifetimes, some of us more than others. These are two powerful and intense emotions that shape and inform much of what we choose in our lives, and they are very close companions to each other, with a few key differences. While shame is a distressing feeling of disappointment in oneself, guilt results when we perceive that we did something or someone wrong. Both are painful for the person experiencing them, can feel very similar and often accompany each other. One key difference is that while shame often makes us want to run and hide, guilt makes us want to make things better. 

Painful as they are, these are important emotions that help us distinguish between right and wrong, develop and abide by our own ethical standards and have more fulfilling, responsible relationships. They lead to efforts at reparation when we have hurt others and attempts to behave more ‘morally’ in the future. 

By and large, like most other unpleasant emotions, shame and guilt are necessary, in appropriate quantities. They become unhealthy when instead of leading to action and eventual closure, they make us depressed and withdrawn from the world or ourselves. Shame and guilt, when present in unhealthy quantities, can also lead to many destructive behaviours including self-harm and mental health concerns like depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, we are not often taught how to let go of shame and are, in fact, asked to hoard it. We internalize unrealistic standards of being in the world and when we fail to live up to them, we are assailed by unrelenting guilt and shame. 

A few obstacles to breaking free of these emotions are: 

1. Thinking that forgiving ourselves means that we are “getting off too easy”. We often think that the only way to right a wrong is to continue to feel ashamed forever. On the contrary, the more ashamed you feel, the less likely you are to believe that you are capable of change and of doing better next time. 

1. An unrealistic desire to always be right or “good” and to be seen as such by others. We are all good sometimes, and we all slip up on some occasions. Realising this and helping others see us as humans who, though well-intentioned, will fail sometimes, leads to a much healthier relationship between the world and ourselves. 

So how do we break these chains? 

Awareness is often recognized as an important first step. Search your soul. Do you find yourself still holding on to a past wrong or failing? Do you find yourself ruminating over something that may have happened weeks, months or even years ago? 

A realistic appraisal of our actions comes next. Did we do everything we could to atone for our actions? If not, then perhaps we need to look at other things we could do to be better next time. If yes, the next thing to do is to let go. Holding on to a wrong done in the past is not useful and more often than not, persistent feelings of guilt and shame lead to secondary feelings of anger and sadness. And angry people tend to treat others with anger too. So, if the point of guilt or shame is to be better next time, the only way to do so is to let go of these first! 

Forgive yourself. As much as we need others to forgive and accept us, the only person whose forgiveness really matters is ourselves. If we can understand that despite meaning well and wanting to do the right thing, there will be times when we will not be able to, because there are many things that go into an outcome, other than our best intentions, we can start to be more at peace with ourselves. The more at peace with ourselves we are, the kinder our interactions with the world, and the less opportunity for future self-derision and shame. 

It is important to note that forgiving ourselves does not mean we are making excuses for bad behaviour. It means that we accept our common humanity, which includes our propensity to be less than ideal, and when we do fail, we forgive ourselves like we would a dear friend, who we know would never do the wrong thing on purpose. 

It is a sad reality that we reserve all our kindness for the world and none for ourselves. Let’s try to change that and show up with kindness and compassion for ourselves as well. We deserve it just as much as anyone else we love does. So, the next time you are deprecating yourself for being or doing something wrong, ask yourself, “If someone I loved very much went through the exact same thing I did and told me about it, what would I say to them?” And then say that to yourself. 

References: 

Burgo, J. (n.d.). Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist. The Difference Between Guilt and Shame | Psychology Today. Retrieved November 9, 2018, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame 

Engel, B. (n.d.). Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist. Healing Your Shame and Guilt Through Self-Forgiveness | Psychology Today. Retrieved November 15, 2018, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201706/healing-your-shame-and-guilt-through-self-forgiveness 

Fakhry, T. (n.d.). Medium – a place to read and write big ideas and important stories. Why Guilt And Shame Carry A Strong Burden: This Is How To Make Peace With Them And Transform Your…. Retrieved November 15, 2018, from http://medium.com/the-mission/why-guilt-and-shame-carry-a-strong-burden-how-to-make-peace-with-them-and-transform-your-life-54ec6451fa2 

Grohol, J. (n.d.). Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information. 5 Tips for Dealing with Guilt. Retrieved November 28, 2018, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips-for-dealing-with-guilt/ 

J. (n.d.). Positive Psychology Program - Your One-Stop PP Resource! Why Shame and Guilt Are Functional For Mental Health. Retrieved November 12, 2018, from http://positivepsychologyprogram.com/shame-guilt/#experience-shame-guilt 

Salters-Pedneault, K. (n.d.). Verywell Mind - Know More. Live Brighter.. What Are Shame and Guilt? How Are They Different?. Retrieved November 13, 2018, from http://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-shame-425328 

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