Tushar started dating His best friend from college, but soon realized that she was increasingly curt and insulting towards him and his family. She would never have time to meet him or even talk to him over the phone, she would never listen when he talked about work pressures and worse, she wasn't even there for him when he met with an accident and was hospitalized. She ridiculed his every act and choice, even making fun of the fact that he didn't have enough facial hair. 

In all this, he never received an apology, but Tushar continued to forgive her, every hurtful word and action, hoping that in time she would realize her mistakes and acknowledge his love. Even when he found out that she had been cheating on him with his close friend, he was willing to forgive her if she promised not to repeat it. 

Some relationships are not made in heaven and certainly not meant to last "till death do us apart". If you think you are in such a relationship, it might be better to pull the plug now rather than regretting it later. Of course, like most things in life, it is easier said than done - there are several reasons why people stick on in impossible relationships, perhaps hoping for a miracle that would make things better, much like Tushar. 

 
Why is it hard to let go? 

Call it fool's paradise or eternal optimism some people are always ‘hoping' that things will get better. Others believe that the ‘power of their love' can change their ‘partner' and yet others feel that love means to forgive one's partner no matter how many times they err. 

Another common fear is- facing friends and family, who know about the relationship and would ask questions or gossip. In popular media the hero or heroine often take the decision of calling off the relationship at the altar, but not many real-life people find it easy to take such a decision. 

If someone has shared ‘physical intimacy' with the partner; it also becomes another reason for one to feel compelled to stay in the relationship no matter what. 

"Haven't you heard of a known enemy being better than an unknown angel? "Sometimes this makes people stick by horribly abusive partners because the ‘risk of being alone' feels scarier. Another related fear is not finding anyone better. Unfortunately, half-a-loaf is not better than none, especially if the loaf is rotten. 

 
What would happen if you stayed on? 

Holding on to a relationship which has gone sour can actually make it worse with the increasing dissatisfaction, leading to sadness and despair. 

This results in a cycle that only gets progressively more negative- with every turn, the partners get more and more entangled in a web of accusations and blame and ultimately neither know where the issue began. Unresolved conflicts, over a period of time, have a nasty habit of not only accumulating, and festering until it explodes like a volcano leaving anger, frustration, pain and grief in its wake. 

Perhaps it is better to call off the relationship before you get trapped in the downward spiral. Even doctors, recommend amputating infected limbs to prevent the gangrene from spreading to the rest of the body. 

How to decide? 

But! How does one decide whether the relationship is beyond repair? How does one determine whether the fights and disagreements are not normal and will not stop in time? 

One must establish whether the relationship still has something positive that can be salvaged or if it is time to part ways. 

In order to identify "Signs of Unhealthy Relationships" It would help to follow some or all of the following steps: 

1. Write it down: Write down the reasons you think the relationship will work and the reasons you want to break it up. Also write down what is likely to happen if you don't. Writing most often gives the clarity that thinking doesn't and seeing the facts in black and white is often enough to make a person think more realistically. 

2. Speak to a trusted person: Friends and family have the ability to observe things objectively, which can provide valuable information and guidance for one's future. Speak to someone who can be trusted not to divulge the details to all and sundry and someone who cares for you to have your best interest s at heart. 

3. Speak to a Counsellor: Counsellors can give you the objective picture that might be elusive to a friend or family member. Friends might be too protective or biased in their perception, but a counsellor can help you realistically evaluate the chances of success for your relationship. 

One might decide to try and change some aspects of the relationship to make it more fulfilling, or one may even decide to leave the sinking ship. 

If you decide to give the relationship another chance, it might be a good idea to keep a timeframe in mind. Decide how long you would try to change things and what you would do if you do not see results. It might also be necessary to speak to your partner about expectations from the relationship and involve him /her in making changes. 

On the other hand, if you decide to call off the relationship, do read the article on "How to End a Romantic Relationship?" for some practical guidelines about break-ups. 

Additionally, surround yourself with friends and well-wishers, keep yourself busy and occupied, take up a new hobby...and most importantly allow yourself the time and opportunity to deal with all the hurt and pain you are likely to have experienced in the relationship. This will help you move on.... 

Whatever one decides, there will be consequences and it help to prepare them. Here too counselling can help. 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help. 
 
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