When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing is going right....

Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you have to do is call
and I'll be there
You've got a friend.

~ Carole King

Most of us do want to be there for our friends when they are in trouble. The trouble is, we often don't know what exactly to do. We're afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, which might make the situation worse. We sometimes even avoid meeting someone simply because we're feeling awkward.

The first thing to remember is that you don't have to solve your friend's problem for them. In fact, the most important thing you can do is to ‘be there' for your friend - to show that you are with them, that they are not alone and that you will support in whatever way you can.

Here are some practical things you can do if you notice that your friend is looking distressed:

Ask

If your friend looks upset, unusually quiet or emotional, or shows other marked changes, for example in sleeping or eating habits, don't hesitate to ask if something is wrong. Do make sure you do this in private where you cannot be overheard.
Be available

Your friend may or may not choose to tell you what is troubling her/him. Don't be discouraged, this is a normal reaction and does not mean that you are being rejected. If they hesitate, let them know that you understand and that even if they don't want to talk now, you are available if ever they do want to later on.

Listen

If your friend decides to talk, listen carefully to them. Avoid rushing in with advice or telling the person where they went wrong. Even if they have made a foolish decision or done something wrong, it does not help to tell them that now, when they are hurting.

You don't have to find a solution; just having someone who listens and tries to understand is often enough to make the person feel relieved. They may even find that they can think clearly enough to make their own decisions.

Offer practical help

If your friend is grieving or anxious, it may help to take care of some practical details - organizing food, transport, taking care of some family responsibilities, answering calls or whatever else you can do to make their life a little easier.

Don't gossip

Keep whatever you hear confidential and don't share it with others unnecessarily. Being the subject of gossip will only add to your friend's troubles.
Know your own limits

In case the problem is not easily solved, suggest that your friend meet with someone who can help further - a doctor, a counsellor or other professional, depending on the problem.

If you feel the problem is really serious, that your friend is likely to be harmed or to harm himself/herself, don't hesitate to contact another responsible person for help. In such cases you cannot be bound by ‘pseudo-confidentiality' - priority has to be given to getting help, even if you know your friend will be upset.

If it is a colleague who is distressed, you can also suggest that he/she contact our counsellors. Counselling is free through the EAP and is also confidential*. And if you need further guidance as to how you can help your friend, our counsellors would be glad to assist you.

(*The only exception is in case of suicide /homicide. As per global counselling ethics we will have to inform a responsible person in the person's family and/organization. Even in such situations, details of the problem will not be revealed.)