Manisha, 35, approached counselling about her marriage. She had been married for the past 11 years and had a 9-year-old son. 

This was an arranged marriage, and neither Manisha nor her husband knew each other well before the marriage.  

Right from the start, Manisha had issues with her mother-in-law about work, raising her son, and even religious practices. Manisha felt that her husband did not really know or support her and often found herself feeling unhappy. Her husband would refuse to have difficult conversations and dismiss them. They would constantly disagree and fight because of that and she felt that the only time they would ever agree on anything was when they were talking about their son. 

When Manisha came in for counselling, she shared that she had moved out and was staying with her mother for a couple of weeks. She felt unsure if she ever wanted to go back to the other house - or to the marriage. 

We hear the term - ‘Happily Ever After’ in movies, but is that what really happens? Any relationship, be it a marriage, or even a non-romantic one, is not always rosy. It requires effort and commitment from both partners. And often, that may not be the case, or it might be unequally present - which may bring one to question or reflect on whether it is worth staying in that relationship - based on the amount you are investing in it, vs what you receive from it.  

This does not mean that relationships are transactional - there will be times where you might contribute more than your partner, and vice versa or both of you may contribute to different areas. But it is important for each partner to choose to contribute in order to strike that balance. And many times, a relationship stays imbalanced, without realising that a change is required. 

 
For instance, we may decide to stay in a toxic and stagnant relationship based on a past feeling or having already invested so much, or family and societal responsibilities. On the other hand, we may decide to leave a relationship, because we think that the effort should only come from the other side, without actually understanding what is required to fix the relationship, together.  

In either case, you may feel dissatisfied and confused, much like Manisha. To make any kind of change, you need to know what to change and hence a very important factor of knowing whether to stay or let go of a relationship is to recognize, whether it is a healthy or an unhealthy relationship. 

 
In a healthy relationship, there will be a balance between your investment or effort and your growth and value-add, while in an unhealthy relationship, there is an imbalance, and it usually skewed. A typically healthy relationship has factors of individuality, comfort, honesty, good communication, respect, safety, trust, equality, and support. A typically unhealthy relationship may show signs of abuse, lack of space, support and understanding, humiliation, control and unpredictability. 

If one starts to question whether or not they feel content in a relationship, it may be important for some introspection. Some of the things you could start with are: 

• Becoming self-aware: Take some time to understand yourself and your needs - what does a healthy relationship mean to you? What are the qualities that you consider to be important in a partner? What are some needs that you have from a partner, and what are the ones you can compromise on? Then assess it side by side with your current relationship - How does that make you feel? 

• Evaluate Core Values: Fights are common, and couples disagree. But a couple who disagree on their core values, are bound to stay dissatisfied, as there are things both cannot negotiate on. Do you both still share the same morals? Whatever your morals, values and needs are, figure them out and see if your partner finds them essential to the relationship as well. 

• Assess your fights: After a particularly horrible fight, you might feel like giving up. But before you do, it can help to examine the fight. Was it full of personal attacks, and didn't focus on the matter at hand?  This may be because of a lot of unresolved feelings, and they usually have a way of accumulating and eventually destroying a relationship. It may then be better to let go. 

• Explore new Solutions: If you are planning to leave a relationship, think about whether you have tried everything possible to redeem it. Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love says that when couples see where they're both accountable for the state of their relationship (versus having thought it was their partner's fault or thinking things would be better with someone else), then “that can really make a difference."  

• Quality time: It's unhealthy to constantly be with your partner and expect the "honeymoon phase" to last forever. In fact, some space is healthy and required. But not spending enough quality time, or not enjoying each other’s company while spending time, is a significant sign of change required in the relationship. 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help. 
 
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