He sends you flowers when what you really want is time to talk. She gives you a hug when what you really need is a home-cooked meal. The problem isn't your love it's your love language! Just because love is sent does not mean that it is received.
Are you and your partner speaking the same language? What speaks volumes to you may be meaningless to your partner. People come in all varieties, shapes, and sizes, so do their choices of personal expressions of love. But more often than not, the giver and the receiver express love in two different ways. This can lead to misunderstanding, quarrels, and even divorce.
Two people consciously working together can be a very beautiful experience. "The single most important component in a healthy relationship is the ability to communicate. If two people have the capacity to communicate with each other, then any issue can be worked through to some kind of clarity." So is the case with experiencing and expressing love to your partner. Our love language is that form of communication where we most easily "hear" and receive love.
According to various research it is established that people feel most loved in a marriage or a relationship in one of five ways: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Though we have a primary love language, we can learn a second language so that our partner's needs are met. It's all about giving a little here and there and accepting that our partner's preferred channel may be different from ours. Although there are five basic languages, there are many variations on the theme; each person is different… sort of like we all speak a dialect!
Language of Service
Doing things you know your partner would like you to do. This could be, preparing favourite dishes, buying groceries, keeping the house spotless, paying all the bills, and taking care of bank work. You serve the one you love in many ways and expect them to serve you back. In order to serve well, we must pay attention to our own physical and emotional needs.
Language of Words
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." -- Mark Twain
This is when you need to hear those three little words, "I Love You", a lot. Also, when you say how nice your partner looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self-image and confidence. How you speak about a loved one when you are not in their presence can have a huge impact on your relationship, for the better or worse!
Language of Touch
Touch is more than sexual! This is when you like to touch. It's not about love making here, just touching. A hug, a pat on the arm, a stroke on the cheek will satisfy this love language.
Language of Quality Time
Real quality time is when we give someone our undivided attention. Does your mate always want your undivided attention? Do they get upset when you don't stop what you are doing when they want to talk? Do they want to spend time alone with you without you watching TV, doing the dishes or amidst your latest hobby? Your mate speaks Quality Time.
Language of Gifts
"Gifts are visual symbols of love." They may not want you to go out and spend buckets of money on them; they just like little remembrances. Flowers, a card, something you made or something you know that your partner really wants. What gifts have you given your partner that were particularly appreciated? If this is his or her primary language, decide to give one token of love, however small, in line with those preferences every now and then.
"Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts. Your body becomes the symbol of your love."
Determining Your Own Love Language
You can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:
How do I express love to others?
What do I complain about the most?
What do I request most often?
Fading excitement and Empty Love Tanks
After the first or second year of marriage/ courtship when the initial "tingle" is starting to fade, many couples find that their "love tanks" are empty. They may have been expressing love for their partner, but in reality, they were speaking a different love language. The best way to fill your partner's love tank is to express love in their love language. Each of us has a primary love language and couples may not have the same love language.
We benefit from love received from all five languages, but especially from our primary language. Marriages may be made in heaven, but they must be nurtured here on earth!!
If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.
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