Some of us have been told that we need to be more assertive, yet we wonder if that is really something that we want for ourselves. We tend to think, "Do I really want to become a person who is tough all the time, who pushes others around to get my own way?"

The problem is often due to a misunderstanding of the term 'assertiveness'. There is a tendency to confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness - a quality that is not desirable in healthy relationships. This article aims to clarify the difference between assertive, aggressive and passive behaviour.

Assertive Behaviour

Assertiveness involves directly telling someone what you want or would prefer in such a way as to appear neither threatening nor punishing, nor as putting the other person down. It is about standing up for your rights but not at the cost of violating the rights of others. It also involves being able to express what you want without experiencing undue anxiety while doing so. Contrary to popular beliefs, it does not involve being 'totally honest' about one's feelings.

Assertive behaviour is

• Expressing your ideas clearly, but not by hitting out at others.

• Making decisions - even if your decision is not to make a decision!

• Being clear about your point and not changing your mind if you do not want to.

• Listening to the other person's point of view.

• Having self- respect and respect for other people.

• Feeling equal with others.

• Expressing feelings honestly and with care.

• Being able to reach workable solutions to difficulties.

Aggressive Behaviour

Aggressiveness also involves an expression of feelings and opinions but in a way which punishes, threatens, or puts down the other person. The aim is to get your own way no matter what. If we win and get what we want it probably leaves someone else with bad feelings that they have lost. This could have a negative impact on future transactions with that person. Another possible consequence of behaving aggressively is that we might feel guilty later.

Aggressive behaviour is

• Not listening- you think the other person is a fool.

• Getting your own point across even if it means crushing others.

• Getting people to do things they don't want to do.

• Being loud and violent.

• Interrupting others.

• Being the winner at all costs.

There is also indirect aggressive behaviour which can be:

• Appearing inoffensive.

• Manipulating or tricking people.

• Being silent.

• Using sarcasm.

• Putting people down, making them feel small and silly.

Passive Behaviour

Non-assertiveness or passive behaviour involves hoping that you will get what you want but leaving it to chance or to another person to magically realize that you want it.

Passive behaviour is

• Keeping quiet for fear of upsetting people.

• Saying yes when you want to say no.

• Not expressing your feelings.

• Frequently apologizing.

• Inwardly burning with anger and frustration.

• Being unsure about your ideas and what you want.

• Accepting things you do not like or agree with.

• Avoiding conflict, so doing what other people want or do not want you to do.

• Appearing indecisive.

Of all these types of behaviours, the assertive style is the most helpful for maintaining healthy relationships at work as well as our personal life. There are a lot of benefits in learning to be assertive. If you want to discuss this further, you could talk to one of our counselors.