“All the world’s a stage, And one man in his time plays many parts.”

— William Shakespeare

Shakespeare might have been onto something—life often feels like a stage, where each of us plays certain roles to fit in. For men, one of the most rigid roles society pushes on them is that of the “real man”—strong, tough, always in control. But when men act this way just to meet others' expectations, they’re performing, not living authentically. This is known as performative masculinity.

What Is Performative Masculinity?

Performative masculinity is the pressure men feel to act a certain way to prove their masculinity. Philosopher Judith Butler calls this “gender as performance,” where acting out certain behaviours is seen as a way to “fit in” with society’s idea of masculinity.

This pressure to perform begins early. And when people see men acting in certain ways over and over, these actions start to feel “natural” or “right.” But these behaviours aren’t always true to each individual. Instead, men often act this way because it’s easier than facing criticism or rejection for being different, but over time, performative masculinity can hold men back, affecting their mental health, emotional well-being, and true self-expression.

Here are some of the ways performative masculinity can affect mental health, relationships, and overall quality of life.

1. Mental Health Struggles: Men who keep their feelings hidden are more likely to feel lonely, anxious, or even depressed. Without a healthy way to express emotions, small issues can build up, leading to major mental health challenges.

2. Fear of Rejection and Loneliness: Many men feel they have to act tough or avoid vulnerability to not appear “weak.” But when they hide their true selves, they often feel alone and disconnected from others.

3. Avoiding Help: Men who feel pressured to be strong may avoid asking for help with health issues, both physical and mental, until things get worse. This reluctance can lead to bigger problems that could have been managed earlier.

4. Risky Behaviours: Some men use actions like drinking heavily, driving recklessly, or even fighting to show they’re “real men.” But these actions are dangerous and can lead to physical or emotional harm.

5. Limited Growth: Staying in this mindset some men might pass on opportunities they’d love, whether it’s a certain job, a hobby, or even a relationship. Their lives can feel restricted because they’re constantly trying to match society’s expectations.

How Can you Break Free?

Breaking out of performative masculinity doesn’t have to be difficult. Here are some easy ways to start being your authentic self:

•  Allow Yourself to Feel: Let yourself experience emotions naturally. Rather than bottling them up, try writing down your feelings or talking to someone close to you. Learning to be open about emotions is a step toward being real.
•  Challenge Stereotypes One Step at a Time: Instead of trying to fit into traditional “manly” roles, allow yourself to explore hobbies or interests that feel right to you, even if they’re not stereotypical. Doing something for yourself, whether learning to cook or gardening, opens doors to a more fulfilling life.
•  Notice When Anger Is Hiding Other Feelings: Many men turn to anger because they’ve been taught that sadness or hurt isn’t “manly.” Next time you feel angry, take a moment to see if it’s hiding another feeling. Recognising the real emotion behind anger helps you understand and process your feelings.
•  Reflect on What Masculinity Means to You: Think about whether you’re trying to be a “real man” or simply a “good man.” Defining masculinity for yourself gives you the freedom to live more authentically.
•  Lean on Supportive People: Surround yourself with friends and family who celebrate you as you are, having a support system that values authenticity will help you feel more at ease being your true self. While some may not immediately understand or accept your vulnerability, keep practising it for yourself, not for others.

You can also help others find their true selves. Here are ways to support the men around you:

• Avoid Reinforcing Stereotypes: Try not to say things like “man up” or “be tough” to friends or family. Instead, encourage vulnerability and emotional honesty—it’s a powerful way to build deeper connections.
•  Be a Role Model for Authenticity: By living in a genuine, open way yourself, you show others that they can do the same. If you let yourself be vulnerable and true to yourself, others are more likely to feel comfortable doing so, too.
•  Create a Safe Space for Sharing: Encourage open conversations with friends and family, making it clear that it’s okay to talk about feelings. When men feel safe, they’re more likely to be honest and open about what they’re going through.