The Suicide of a Loved One
“Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop.” - Dodinsky
Twinkle Khanna, actress, wrote an insightful magazine article titled 'Drifting Kites' in a popular national daily. In this article she penned her thoughts and feelings when she heard about a friend whose child had died by suicide. She wrote, "You lose a child to an accident or an illness and with a broken heart, You console yourself that you did your best, it's perhaps God's will, he has gone to a better place; but when your child decides that the life he has been given, the life where everything he knows is what you have taught him, is not worth living, how do you live with that? How do you stop blaming yourself? How do you go on?"
We all know about it. We may have seen it in the news, heard about it happen to others or even experienced the loss of a loved one this way. Suicide is something that cuts across sex, age, and economic barriers. No one seems to be immune to this tragedy. Losing someone we love to death can be a grievous experience, all the more so when they themselves have ended their life. Any tragedy has the power to make us bitter or better. Though none of us welcomes this journey of grief after losing someone we love, it helps to know that it is possible to get through this painful phase and heal.
The Healing Process
All people who lose someone they go through certain phases of grief. A loved one's suicide can be emotionally devastating and can trigger intense emotions in us. Some of the feelings are:
Shock, emotional numbness and disbelief at what has happened.
Anger - at the deceased for abandoning them or themselves for missing clues about the suicidal intentions. We may also feel intensely frustrated at being so abruptly cut off from them, from the chance to help them. Anger can also be about the person not sharing their distress or not trusting us enough to give us a chance to help.
Regret about not being able to say goodbye or express love.
Guilt about the time wasted on arguments instead of cherishing the precious moments. People also tend to feel intensely guilty about not figuring out the distress of their loved one, about not being sensitive enough with them or about not having seen the pain and helped in some way.
Sadness, loneliness and helplessness.
It is not uncommon to feel abandoned by them, to feel like our loved one left us and did not reach out to us in their pain.
People can also experience other intense reactions during the weeks and months after a loved one's suicide — including nightmares, difficulty concentrating, social withdrawal and loss of interest in the usual activities.
If you have lost a loved one to suicide, know that these feelings and the turmoil you might be experiencing are normal. Try to understand and accept your emotions. It is a healthy part of the healing process. You can find further information in the article “Coping with Loss through Suicide”.
If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.