Forgiveness is often admired as an ideal, appreciated like "love" or "freedom." But, as with all lofty concepts, making forgiveness happen in our lives is another matter. The act of forgiving events, situations, and people who have hurt us can bring us love and inner peace. There is no sure-fire formula for the process of letting go. But here are some steps to help you on your journey. 
 
Eight Steps to Forgiveness (based on Dr. Luskin's work):  

1. Recognize exactly how you feel about what happened and prepare to articulate what about the situation is not acceptable. Then tell a couple of trusted people about your experience. Speaking it out makes it concrete and therefore easier to deal with. It also helps release pent-up feelings of pain, anger, and disappointment. 

2. Remember that forgiveness is an act of will - and one that we do for ourselves, to feel better. 

3. Get perspective: Recognize that the primary distress is coming from feelings, thoughts, and physical disturbances you are suffering AT THE MOMENT, not what offended or hurt you a few months or several years ago. Forgiveness helps heal those hurt feelings; it does not undo the incident. 

4. Practice Stress Management and Relaxation Techniques when those feelings of pain come rushing back. This will soothe the body's physiological response to the emotions (for steps and strategies, read the article "Specific Relaxation Techniques"). 

5. Identify and assess the unspoken "rules" that you may have (e.g., "People must be considerate towards me. If someone cared for me, they would understand what I want and behave accordingly" etc.") Often these rules govern how one acts, and determines reactions to external situations. There is no guarantee that things and people will behave the way one wants them to, and that one's expectations will be met. Identifying and letting go of these rules is not an easy task, but it is imperative not only for healing from past pains but also to prevent future disappointments. It is also worth remembering that other people have their own rules and values that they follow; keeping room for their perspective, while difficult sometimes, might just help in forgiving them.  

6. Painful incidents stay alive in our memory and continue to hurt us, sometimes festering within us. Unfortunately, our memory doesn't come with a 'Delete' button and hence one needs to alter one's mind; by focusing on positive ways of reaching goals rather than focusing energy on replaying the hurtful incidents. Just like physical injuries heal and scars are no longer painful; similarly, the memory may remain but it will lose its capacity to hurt. 

7. Forgiveness is about personal power, and the sweetest revenge is not allowing the person who has hurt us, to have an impact on our life. A life lived well is more satisfying than years of holding grudges. Learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you; fill your life with people and things that bring joy and strength to deal with future challenges. 

8. Amend the grievance story instead of thinking of the way you have been hurt. Focus on the heroic choice to forgive. It brings with it a tremendous sense of empowerment and positivism. 

While some of the steps are fairly simple, you may want additional assistance to work on some of the other steps. Take a trusted friend or counsellor into confidence and collaborate to work through the tricky areas. The feelings of hurt and pain may not go away instantly, but with constant effort and a positive outlook, the choice to forgive provides emancipation from a past that prevents us from looking ahead. 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.