A happy and balanced relationship involves a great amount of mutual respect, openness, accountability and genuine appreciation for each other. 
 

No relationship is perfect - small fights and disagreements are part and parcel of any relationship. People experience dissatisfaction in relationships because problems lie within the behavior patterns of the individuals involved. If these patterns are recognized and worked with, it could make the relationship more rewarding; if not most end up as hollow shells where partners feel trapped and imprisoned. Most of these unhappy relationships either end in break-ups or ought to be called off. 

Some behavior patterns that could be unhealthy and need attention in romantic relationships or marriage are: 

• Physical Violence; Sexual, Mental, Verbal, or Emotional Abuse - Being subjected to any kind of behavior that is demeaning and insulting clearly indicates that love and respect have flown out of the window for the abusive partner. 

Most even apologize and become distraught if threatened with separation, but that is only till they are once again in control of the relationship, and the abused partner obliges to the former's emotional tantrums hoping for things to get better in time. 

For more information about abusive relationships read the article "Are you in an Abusive Relationship" 

• Omission of Information - Withholding relevant information from one's partner could be detrimental to the relationship. Lack of accountability and interdependence could indicate the diminishing importance of the relationship for the individual with high chances of emotional and physical infidelity. 

• Uncontrollable Jealousy and Suspicious Behavior - An individual's suspicious nature towards their partner's words, actions or desire could be an indication towards an insecure and violent future. 
 

• Withdrawal and Avoidance - Sometimes one of the partners is unwilling to contribute to discussions, and withdraws either verbally by not responding, or non-verbally by absenting themselves from the situation like leaving the room without warning. 

Avoiding or being reluctant to participate is a sign of preventing the conversation or event from happening in the first place, especially when the topic is related to commitment, marriage or children. 

• Lack of Preference for the Relationship - Choosing to invest (time, effort, money etc.) in other relationships and disregarding the partner's needs. When a person chooses to be with and talk to someone else while the partner is waiting, it could be indicative of infidelity, especially if they are being secretive about it. 

• Invalidation and Indifference - This could happen when an individual subtly or directly puts down or controls the thoughts, feelings, values and lifestyle (what to wear, where to go, what to eat, who to speak to) of the partner which lowers the self-esteem of the targeted person. There could also be occasions when one of the partners will predominantly make all the decisions in the relationship without any consultation or sharing of opinions. 
 

They might even force their partners to engage in sexual activities discounting their feelings. As a result of invalidation, the submissive partner tends to portray an image that is less susceptible to criticism, abandonment or abuse. 

• Escalation - Sometimes both partners respond negatively to each other as they get stuck in verbal combat trying to defeat the other. The combat could include weapons like verbal abuse for loved ones, foul comments about profession or character and even hurling things at each other. The ongoing battle without any attempts towards attaining peace or resolution shows a serious need for change in communication patterns. 

• Unrealistic Expectations - Certain individuals have high hopes and unrealistic expectations from their partners with regards to intimacy (physical, financial, recreational or sexual) in their relationship, which if not met could drive them to become too demanding or dissatisfied with their partners resulting in tiring conflicts. 
 

• The Blame Game - A lot of times people hold their partners responsible for their mean and abusive behavior by saying that they wouldn't have done so if their partners wouldn't instigate it through their looks, words or actions. 

•Gaslighting - Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone tries to make us doubt our own feelings, thoughts, or memories. They might say things like, "You're overreacting" or "That never happened" to confuse us and make us question our reality. Gaslighting can be harmful and can lead us to lose trust in ourselves. It's crucial to recognize it and seek support if we suspect someone is gaslighting us. 

• Too Many Adjustments and Compromises - Too much of anything is not healthy, even compromises. Many individuals have compromised and sacrificed most of their beliefs, ambitions and core values in order to adjust to their partner's needs, resulting in the loss of individuality and a confused concept of self. 
 

• Financial Insecurity - Credit and job history are very often sure predictors of what life will be like with the person ten years from now. 

As mentioned above, once-happy relationships can be soured by behaviours and patterns, not the person as a whole. Sometimes, these patterns can be changed and the relationship can become stronger, but at other times they might have already caused damages beyond repair. Pay heed to these warning signs before the relationship crumbles to the ground and leaves you wounded and heartbroken. 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help. 

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