Here are a few thoughts that a person who is shy may go through when faced with a situation or a person. In addition, there is also a reality check that will help you look at the situation differently. 

The shy person thinks: ‘Everyone is looking at me critically.' 

In actual fact, most people around you are more focused on themselves. And even if they do notice you, most people are not usually critical. You may think the person who looks at you while you are dancing is thinking that you don't dance very well. But it is just as likely that the person is wishing that they had someone to dance with or is worrying if they are dancing well themselves! 
Shy people tend to feel very self-conscious, and the more they worry about what others are thinking, the more self-conscious they get. 
  

Reality check: The whole world is NOT looking at you! 

A shy person thinks: ‘If I'm not the centre of attention, then I am a social failure.' A few people are so very extroverted that they take centre stage at any social event. These are the people who are frequently surrounded by a group of people whether at a party, at work or at a family function. But we all do not need to be like that - in fact, many of us do not even wish to be the centre of attention. It is quite enough if we are able to feel comfortable speaking to a few people and enjoy the evening. We shouldn't set our expectations too high - we don't need to achieve social perfection. Instead, each of us should work at developing the social skills we need to achieve what would make us happy and comfortable in a social situation, rather than compare ourselves with someone else. 

Reality check: You don't need to be perfect. 

The shy person thinks: ‘I goofed up - I knew I shouldn't have tried.' 
You had planned to meet a whole lot of new people at the office party, you had thought of some interesting topics of conversation and even practiced a few jokes. But somehow nothing worked out as you intended. Do you tell yourself ‘I made a mess of things; I knew I couldn't do it'? Each of us tends to be very conscious of our failures and this can make us very hesitant to try again. Instead, even when things don't go completely right, remind yourself of what went well. Perhaps you were able to talk to one or two people and listened well so that the other person felt comfortable. You may have maintained good eye contact instead of looking away. It could even be the fact that you attended the event instead of making an excuse as you usually do. Research has shown that shy people tend to blame themselves for what they see as social failure, and do not take enough credit for their successes. 
  

Reality Check: Focus on your successes, not only on perceived failures. 

The shy person thinks: ‘I should enjoy every type of social occasion.' 
Not all social situations are for everybody. Some situations, like a large party or a society event, might put high focus on how you dress, your etiquette, dancing skills, and so on. On the other hand, there are other social experiences like being a part of a hobby class, volunteer groups, language class, trekkers group, etc., where the focus is on a common interest or activity. This can be much less threatening to a shy person because the emphasis is less on how you look or what you say and more on the common interest. Or you may prefer going for a movie with a couple of friends followed by coffee rather than a formal dinner with ten other people. Try to find the kind of social situation that suits you, where you can fit in without too much effort. 
  

Reality check: Find your own comfort zone - do what fits you. 

The shy person thinks: ‘There must be something wrong with me.' 
You smile at someone who appears not to notice and doesn't smile back. You greet a colleague but he gives a very abrupt response. Would you assume that the person does not like you? You may even conclude that others too may not like you, so you should probably not take the initiative to greet others unless they greet you first. 

Don't lose sight of the fact that it may not be your fault; there could be many other explanations for the person's behaviour. He/she may have been preoccupied with some other worries and therefore did not respond to you. So don't blame yourself unnecessarily. And even if they really don't like you, it does not follow that others will share their feeling. 
  

Reality check: It may not be your fault - don't over generalise. 

It isn't always easy to change your thought patterns, especially if they have been present since childhood, but it can be done. Studies have shown that lasting change to shyness patterns is most likely to take place when faulty thinking is corrected. 

If you are struggling with this, do contact a counsellor who will be able to help you work on it. 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.