There exists a very influential and fear-centric conditioning in a society that a person who is single is necessarily incomplete. That there is something significant missing in their lives. It is implied in various messages we see on a daily basis that, in the absence of a relationship, a person will feel unhappy.
There is a real need to move away from such a narrative and build a new one. Here are some of the key points to remember when attempting to dismantle such a construct.
Your most important and primary relationship is with yourself: While there might not be nearly enough evidence for this in the media, it is very important to understand that for you, your most valued and significant relationship is with yourself. Anything else beyond this is an added bonus. Like any relationship that takes time to nurture and improve, it is relevant to spend time finding ways to have a good relationship with yourself.
Ways to do this: Create small rituals for yourself where you regularly identify the ways in which you have helped yourself in times of struggle. As a single person, it is probably second nature for you to beat yourself up about feelings of missing out or feeling envious when you see close friends in relationships or getting married.
Through such a perspective, you end up reducing your sense of self-worth. Your point of view is looking at a small part of the bigger picture. As an exercise to strengthen and condition yourself towards a positive outlook It’s important to use facts and evidence: in moments where you’re feeling down remember the several instances where you have faced different types of struggle - whether it is to do with managing something troublesome at your workplace, handling personal conflict, moving to a new city, having had a bad mental health day. The combined perseverance, creativity and resilience you have shown here is who you are. Not the incomplete, inadequate person that the ‘being single’ narrative draws you out to be.
It is important to acknowledge that your initial, knee-jerk emotional response - feeling lonely, envious, resentful etc is completely natural. Our response-mechanisms are based on different factors outside of our control such as social and cultural conditioning, media-based influences we have had growing up, deeply ingrained societal norms of what is considered to be successful, what is supposed to look like happiness. Given this endless stream of material that forms its own universe around us, it is not surprising that images and portrayals of things that are normally associated with ‘success’ cause us to feel a certain way. It is possible and important to shift this., It is not surprising that images and portrayals of things that are normally associated with ‘success’ cause us to feel a certain way.
It is possible and important to shift this narrative, however. By highlighting what you have done in periods of struggle irrespective of what life brought your way is the material you can use to weave a new story. One where you are able to reclaim some of that lost power.
How not to miss out on now: One of the biggest takeaways of the pressure to be part of a couple is that it can cause people who are single - past a certain age - to live in a state of panic and urgency to make amends for their status as a single person. This is an immensely unfair space for anybody to inhabit. It causes worry and fear in a way that greatly restricts a person from being present and enjoying the here and now of life.
The idea that a person’s life is divided into two large stages, that of being single and then being married or in a steady relationship, does disservice to the fact that our lives don’t always follow a linear path. Life is messy, hard, and painful, and it also comes with its share of happiness and joy. To draw a strict binary is as if to say that everything relating to being single is necessarily twice as tough as it would be if you were in a relationship.
This isn’t true, however. Different people have their own unique struggles at various different points in time and how problems happen in life are not based on a calendar-based timeline that follows the fact of you being attached or not.
The need to engage in self-development where you become somebody who is resourceful, can manage problems on their own, and can find ways to feel good, and genuinely happy as a single person is possible. Several of these skills are things you need to spend time doing for yourself even as someone in a steady relationship.
By being in a constantly panicky state about being single, you do your own life and yourself a huge injustice. If a relationship is a bonus, something that adds value to life, the pre-existing value to your life needs to be something that takes time, care and love to cultivate. There are different ways to do this and saying that marriage or a relationship is a fast track to achieving happiness in life is to ignore the range of other ways and routes one can feel a sense of well-being in.
Not being panic-stricken permits you to take a pause and enjoy life in the here and now. It gives you the chance to not look at life around you now with grey-hued glasses. By relaxing in the present, you get to give yourself the time to enjoy what is and be mindful of the of things as opposed to being constantly tense about the getting of things.
3. A community-centric approach: When it comes to new approaches to caregiving, mental health advocates have spoken about a shift in the treatment given to persons with psycho-social disabilities. One where there is an emphasis on the need for a society that helps create the kind of environment and infrastructure needed for persons with mental illness to survive, cope and feel good. Similarly, it is important to critique the idea of a world that only views partnered persons as those whose lives are full and complete. There is a need to shift our perspective in viewing the care and well-being of persons as a community-based concern. Not something that is only to be restricted to a family unit and negotiated within that space only.
In the space of a relationship, people often talk about how emotional fulfilment, joy, and friendship, are not something that they give and receive only with one person. It takes different people for these needs to be met. It also adds up that being in a marriage, or a relationship is not the only way to find ways to be cared for.
The joys and validation of having a partner can’t be denied, but this doesn’t mean that someone who is not in a relationship becomes ‘lesser-than’ in any way. It is essential that we find ways to acknowledge that there is no need to be in the grips of a fear-driven narrative so that we may begin to underscore the many different and important ways that people lead their lives that are outside of the relationship/marriage dynamic, too.
Sources:
Doll, J. (2014, January 27). The Hairpin. The Single Woman Need Not Be Eternally Panic-Stricken: An Interview With Sara Eckel - The Hairpin. Retrieved July 18, 2018, from http://www.thehairpin.com/2014/01/the-single-woman-need-not-be-eternally-panic-stricken-an-interview-with-sara-eckel/
Patel, R. (2017, October 31). BuzzFeed. 31 Things I've Learned About Being Single Now That I'm 30. Retrieved July 18, 2018, from http://www.buzzfeed.com/remeepatel/31-things-ive-learned-about-being-single-now-that-im-30?utm_term=.riNk4L5136#.heq3bQeOvG
Geller, B. (2017, October 19). HealthyWay. Singled Out: Society’s Obsession With Love (And Why It’s Okay To Be Single) – HealthyWay. Retrieved July 18, 2018, from http://www.healthyway.com/content/singled-out-societys-obsession-with-love-and-why-its-okay-to-be-single/
Gandhi, L. (2018, February 14). Tricycle: The Buddhist Review. How Buddhist Teachings Helped this Writer Embrace the Single Life. Retrieved July 18, 2018, from http://tricycle.org/trikedaily/buddhist-single-life/
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