S unlocked the door to his house after an exhausting day at work. He walked in to find his partner using their phone. S noticed that he wasn’t greeted with a 'hello’, or even a glance. Having been upset about his day in general, S also started questioning himself about their relationship, and when it became so drab. Could S do something to recognize, and break the negative patterns between his partner and himself? 

Relationships can be crucial to one’s health and survival. An almost 80-year-old research study, the ‘Harvard Study of Adult Development’, has been dedicated to understanding what determines the health of an adult. While taking care of your body is important, tending to relationships also forms an integral part of self-care. So much so that, it is being said that loneliness kills the way smoking and alcoholism do (Mineo, 2017). 

The importance of stable, close relationships has been established. However, it is natural for one to face challenges while maintaining and tending to these significant relationships. The expectations, needs, desires, and behaviours of each person are varied, and a clash between these, or a perceived clash between these can lead to distance in relationships (‘Behaviour’, 2015). 

When one feels a sense of distance in a relationship, or a certain degree of dissatisfaction, there seems to be a need to recognize the problem and get working on it, in whatever way that individual can. 

Keeping this in mind, here are a few patterns that one can watch out for in relationships, and corresponding actions that can be taken to manage them 

• Triangulation- Constantly consulting a loved one about your relationship, or worried that your partner is doing so? 

This is a process wherein the problem between couples is maintained or aggravated due to the presence of one or more individuals trying to “solve” their problems for them. For instance, as a result of a disturbed home environment, a partner can choose to talk to a friend and take their advice to be more aggressive to get what is expected from the relationship. Common examples of a triangulation pattern in relationships involve consulting a parent, in-law, relative or colleague repeatedly for advice. Continuing to follow the process of triangulation can freeze a conflict to stay in the same place. 

Tip to try: Think about a time when your partner and you were able to contain an argument or difference of opinion, on your own. However long ago or insignificant these incidents may seem, the fact that they have happened in the past, means they can happen again. It is important to think about these exceptions and recall what enabled both of you to work on the challenges yourselves. Discuss how you could replicate what it took to get through this previous challenge, for what you are both facing now. 

• Pursuer-distancer- Do you think the distance between you and your partner is too much, or too little? 

According to this pattern, when there is a clash in a relationship, there is likely to be one partner who is pursuing, or chasing intimacy and another partner who is distancing, or avoiding intimacy. In relationships, when one individual seems to be coming too close, the other person’s natural instinct is to back up and try to protect themselves. The position of a pursuer, and distancer- both, are coming from an intent to protect themselves. While a pursuer may want constant validation because of their anxiety, the distancer may want to protect themselves from feeling suffocated. 

Tip to try: If this pattern is something that you have seen in your relationship, try doing the exact opposite of what you have done until now. Consider this as a little relationship experiment that you’re trying. Identify the times when you tend to pursue/ distance yourself and try doing the opposite of what you usually do. For instance, if you tend to get extremely upset when your partner doesn’t call you at a certain time, try involving yourself in another activity, instead of calling them at that instance, and expressing your displeasure.  Know that it isn’t helping you to continue the pattern, since the other person’s behaviour is getting reinforced by what you do. The more you pursue/ distance, the more they will do the opposite. 

• Unhealthy boundaries- Is there too much, or too little independence and autonomy in your relationship? 

Within relationships, there tend to be boundaries or invisible barriers which determine interaction. Decisions, conversations, rules, and expectations are determined by these boundaries. Boundaries can be rigid, normal or relaxed. 

When boundaries are too rigid, they allow for very little contact outside the relationship. This can feel restrictive and cause disengagement. This can make partners independent but feel isolated. 

When boundaries are too relaxed, it can cause entanglement of relationships. While there is a lot of mutual support in these relationships, it leaves very little space for independence and autonomy. 

Tips to try: If independence, autonomy, and isolation are aspects of your relationship you’d like to work on, there needs to be a balance between the boundaries being too rigid and too relaxed. For this, each partner’s needs and preferences need to be discussed and accommodated. For instance, if a partner’s interests/ hobbies are being curbed due to certain reasons, it is important to mutually decide on an alternative option or be able to arrive at a common frequency with which the individual can continue to enjoy their hobby. Finding a balance between each partner’s expectations, styles of interaction, goals, interests etc., could help. 

• functioning-underfunctioning 

Tired of being called ‘nagging’ or ‘lazy’ by your partner? In every relationship, it is likely that there is one individual who overfunctions, and one who underfunctions. An overfunctioner is one who tends to take up more than is required- who goes out of the way to get tasks done, and who fixes and solves most problems. An underfunctioner is one who requests assistance and hopes others will take responsibility for tasks in case of a challenging situation. While an underfunctioner accepts their anxiety to soothe themselves, an overfunctioner takes on too much work to deal with their anxiety. 

Tips to try: Though it is hard, the overfunctioner in the relationship needs to learn how to take a step back and draw the line for how much is too much. This may make one feel anxious and restless, but it is still part of the process. The underfunctioner needs to learn when and how they can contribute to different situations that require their assistance. Making either of these changes is understandably hard. It might be useful to decide on a 'price to pay' if these changes are not followed. For instance, if either of you continues to do things that fall under overfunctioning and underfunctioning, you will be required to do something that is unpleasant for you. This can help break the pattern, where it becomes easier to stick to the changes you are trying to make. 

• Control, rebel and reject cycles- Been told you’re the problematic one in your relationship?   

Another pattern concerning relationships suggests that when one partner tends to control - making decisions, activities, rules etc., the other is most likely to reject and rebel against these plans. While controlling can come from an attempt to manage one’s worry, anxiety, or even concern, being controlled can cause hurt, withdrawal, anger etc., which makes the other partner want to rebel or reject these even more. 

Tips to try: If you identify with one of the positions mentioned in this pattern, it can help to think about what kind of worries make you want to feel in charge of things. Or, what makes you resentful of being told what to do and how to do it? We tend to carry a lot of beliefs and emotions from our past experiences into our relationships. Soothing these feelings, giving importance to and radically accepting one's own individuality can help in easing this pattern. This understanding of the self can work towards helping you think and reflect before reacting immediately to emotional pressures. 

The points mentioned above imply that relationships work as a holistic system. When one part of the system reacts in a way, it pushes the other part to react within a set pattern. Often, these patterns can get negative. 

It is important to remember that by changing what one person does, the pattern or cycle can be broken. The problem doesn’t exist within one person. The problem exists in the pattern of interaction. 

If the different things discussed in this article have gotten you thinking, and you feel like you would like to talk to a counsellor, please feel free to reach out to us on 1800-258-8999 / 1800-258-8121. 

References: 

• Mineo, L. (2017, April 11). Harvard Gazette – Official news from Harvard University covering innovation in teaching, learning, and research. Over nearly 80 years, Harvard study has been showing how to live a healthy and happy life – Harvard Gazette.Retrieved January 17, 2018, from http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/ 

• (2015, January 12). GoodTherapy.org - Find the Right Therapist. Behavior. Retrieved January 17, 2018, from http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/behavior 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.