We grow up having our parents invest in us throughout our childhood and our adolescence.  They provide the footing on which the building of our personality stands. It is only parents and their care and concern for adult children that help the children remember the joys of childhood and the comfort of being taken care of, even if briefly. 

Unfortunately, as we grow older and begin to build a world of our own, the roles our parents play in our life, rapidly change. It is not unheard of for adult children to have lives and careers away from their parents, with little to no active contribution of the latter. This creates a distance between the two which impacts not just their relationship but their own personal well-being as well. The parents, who could be a source of support and guidance become a responsibility and burden for the children. The children who could be the providers of physical/emotional/ financial strength become distant and cold. Sometimes it is the parent who finds it a bit difficult to keep pace with a world that is changing every moment and sometimes it's the children getting too busy with their lives not actively involving their parents. 

It is a difficult moment in the relationship to understand the changing dynamics as the child grows older and does not constantly need supervision or assistance. The parents find it hard to loosen the control that they have carefully maintained for their child's well-being and children struggle to find independence and a life of their own making. 

To restore the multiple benefits that both the adult children and the parents could enjoy from a relationship based on trust and understanding, efforts have to be actively made. Let's look at a couple of strategies that the adult children could apply to build a more fruitful and sustainable relationship with their ageing parents. 

1) Accept the Change: Often as children, we expect our parents to change the way they treat us as we become adults. We complain and expect them to change their behaviour. However, at the same time, ourselves continue to treat them as we treated them when we were younger. We demand, throw a tantrum and expect them to take care of us as young children. It is only the natural assumption that we have as much difficulty accepting the change in the relationship as they do. It is a good idea to reflect on how we interact with our parents and how we wish to be treated by them. 

It would mean certain adjustments on our part that would have to be practised often. It could be as simple as you doing your own laundry or making a cup of tea for your parents in the morning or more prominent decisions like managing your finances. These actions would help in establishing your role in the relationship and will also build empathy towards your parents for their efforts and contributions. 

2) Open Communication: Adults often talk about how they feel that their parents don't understand them and are unable to connect with them. Unfortunately, sometimes this situation arises solely out of not being able to have an open channel of communication. If adult children are able to start a way of communication which ensures that they can tell their parents what they feel about them and would like from them, it builds trust and hope on both sides. 

3) Sharing is caring: It is suggestible to build a habit of talking to your parents either once in a day or once in a week. Share the incidents that have already happened and as well as your future plans build a sense of trust between the two sides. Sharing helps build rapport and could be the first step to rejuvenate the relationship between ageing parents and adult children. 

4)Ask: We are indeed adults with an understanding of the world that we trust. It is still a good idea to take a suggestion or two from your parents' hard-earned experiences and wisdom that comes hand in hand with it. It could be as simple as you asking them for a food recipe /tip or asking to help with childcare and parenting tips. 

Ageing parents would also feel wanted and welcomed and you would gain access to the knowledge of the generations. 

5)Rituals and 'we' time: You would notice that the number of activities that you did solely with your parents decreases rapidly in your adulthood. To make sure that somethings remain specific to you and remind you of the warmth and care you feel for your parents, the two sides could build certain rituals together. Making sure that you have one meal of the day together, go for a movie once a month, take a trip of their choice, watch a television show of common liking -could be some examples of the rituals you could create together. It helps create the time you spend together and adds to the closeness and happiness you bring out in each other. 

The most important part of living with ageing parents is to understand that they have their own struggles, just like you. It seems difficult sometimes when you are both not on the same page and it could be hurtful or irritating. It is at that time that you need to extend your warmth and empathy to your parents and help them make meaning of a world that is changing by the seconds like they helped you make meaning of a confusing and overwhelming world when you were younger. Remember to both replenish and expense these energies as you connect and reconnect with your parents and cherish your bonds. 

If the contents of this article have gotten you thinking, and you would like to discuss this further with a counsellor, please feel free to reach out to us on 1800-258-8999 / 1800-258-8121.   

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help. 
 
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