X  didn’t usually use social media but over the past few days Y has been noticing unusual behaviour. X hides the phone, spends a lot of time texting, is usually in a better mood after using the phone, etc. Y couldn’t help but check the phone only to see kisses and hugs (emoticons and messages) being sent to a specific person. X says that nothing was intending and the person is only a friend and colleague and those emoticons meant nothing. But it definitely meant something to Y. Seeing those messages brought about a feeling of betrayal, something that was never felt before.

Feeling betrayed and cheated, for a lot of us is one of the most hurtful experiences in a relationship. For some, nothing hurts more than being betrayed by a partner. In today’s world, people have the option of using different mediums as well to communicate. and often times the lines between being faithful, and infidelity can be very subtle. Whether it is an emoticon sent on Whatsapp, a wave on Facebook, or talking to someone anonymously on Tinder. It seems like, the biggest challenge that we face with infidelity is that with the advent of social media, many aren’t sure where to draw the line anymore. This is why a lot of men and women justify their hurtful or betraying actions as well with responses such as, I message him/her just the way I message all my other colleagues and friends. 

How To Know If You Have Been Cheated On? 

It’s not about what a dictionary defines as cheating, it’s about what we feel when a partner is using his/her phone to text someone else in the middle of the night, it’s about how we feel when a partner says that he/she anonymously talks to people on the tinder or does anything else that we are not comfortable with. So, becoming aware of the way you feel and understanding the extent of hurt you feel in your relationship is what’s important in order to acknowledge the issue and work on it. 

Answering some of these questions might help you make a decision about the relationship 

Going with your emotions and what matters to you may be the first step. Asking yourself questions like: “Am I comfortable with that action? Do I feel cheated or what do I feel? Do I still want to be in this relationship if yes then why? Do I want my partner to make some changes and what are those changes?” Often times you may feel confused but that’s alright. You may wake up one day feeling like you want to be with your partner, but the next day wakes up feeling like it’s too much and you don’t want to be in a relationship where you feel cheated. It’s natural to feel this way because relationships can be complex and based on the actions or consequences it may not necessarily have to mean the end of a relationship. 

For those of us who seek answers to the above questions and want to remain in the relationship and make to make your relationship work it works. It may also be important for us to demand that corrective action be taken and stand firm on what we want to rebuild the trust and strengthen the relationship. Looking at what you expect from your partner at this point might give both of you some direction and structure about what to work on. 

A lot of couples start with forgiveness. By making an attempt to forgive the partner and give them a break after feeling a certain amount of guilt for not doing enough in the relationship and not being a good partner. Forgiveness doesn’t just mean saying sorry a couple of times or making up for it by buying gifts and taking each other out for dinner and a movie. It’s about explaining why you are hurt, your partner explaining why he/she did what they did, looking at it from the other person’s perspective, and making the effort to work on the relationship because both of you want to and because there is love for one another. 

While forgiving may be the first step and it is a process, looking at setting priorities straight and committing is also a part of rebuilding the relationship. Making time for each other and indulging in activities together can help in strengthening the relationship. These activities could be anything that both partners are comfortable with. Like, doing puzzles together, cooking, working out, etc. Giving your partner time and giving your relationship primary importance could also show your partner your commitment and the importance that you are giving the relationship. 

Partners who are cheated may constantly feel like they are not being heard or like they have no one to interact with completely. Communication and listening are said to be one of the most effective ways to rebuild trust. Giving the partner attention by listening and vice versa. It’s not only about one partner it’s about both partners being able to communicate freely and be heard. Remember that we all have our own views and beliefs. So, there is no right or wrong here, it’s about being able to express yourself and listening without judgment. 

Most troubles start when blaming becomes the theme of the day and when one partner feels like they are doing more than the other. So, taking responsibility and being accountable for your actions as well as taking equal responsibility is important. In terms of taking responsibility for the action and behaviour and being accountable after. Even just taking responsibility to cook a meal, helping with the kids' homework, or paying the bills can help your partner feel better and feel like there is a balance in the relationship. 

These are some key aspects that help rebuild trust in a relationship and in order to work on the relationship and these aspects, being consistent is crucially important. There might also be a possibility that after the effort and commitment, the relationship might still not work. However, something to draw attention to is that we have two choices when we feel cheated are that we have the option to look at rebuilding the relationship or look at moving on in a healthy manner. 

Reading this may have encouraged you to think more about your relationships and look at ways in which you and your partner can rebuild trust. So, if you would want to understand this more or look at ways in which both you and your partner can equally work on the relationship, feel free to get in touch with us for further counselling! 

References 

Bedrick, D. (2013, October 31). Psychology Today. Retrieved from www.psychologytoday.com: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201310/building-repairing-trust-keys-sustainable-relationship 

Langham, D. R. (n.d.). Break Through Psychology Program. Retrieved from www.breakthroughpsychologyprogram.com: http://www.breakthroughpsychologyprogram.com/how-to-rebuild-trust-in-a-damaged-relationship.html 

Morse, E. (2015, December 24). Harper's Bazaar. Retrieved from www.harpersbazaar.com: http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a13452/why-cheating-doesnt-have-to-be-a-dealbreaker/ 

Vilhauer, J. (2016, September 4). Psychology Today. Retrieved from www.psychologytoday.com: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201609/how-rebuild-trust-someone-who-hurt-you 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.