When it comes to a friend, peer, relative, partner, parent or anyone who you share some kind of relationship with, dealing with them going through suicidal ideation is an incredibly difficult task. 

In the aftermath of a celebrity dying of suicide, we see a flurry of posts on social media that contain suicide-helpline numbers, different people on social media post comments such as, “feel free to reach out to me in case you’re having thoughts of self-harm and/or suicidal ideation”. 

Even though these messages and posts are helpful, it is important to take the next step and examine the nature of help provided in a more focused way. 

Feeling depressed is a tremendously numbing feeling that makes it extremely hard for the suffering individual to open up about how they are feeling. When this is accompanied by feelings of self-harm and/or suicidal ideation, the magnitude of pain is not something that someone else can understand. Indeed, even for persons who have handled depression themselves in their past but are now feeling better, the experience of someone presently in pain is a far-removed experience for the former. 

The new mental health legislation (Mental Health Care Act, 2017) passed by the Indian government aims for mental-health care to become more community-centric. This translates to the concept of reaching in instead of reaching out. In the case of the latter, a major part of emotional labour is put on the person who is in pain. 

Here are some of the ways in which you can be of assistance to someone who is going through a major bout of depression and is feeling suicidal: 

1. Spending time with them: Expecting someone in pain to open up and discuss how they are feeling just because you have taken that time out isn’t fair. You must acknowledge that the both of you are in very different emotional locations at the moment, you might be feeling okay but the person beside you is going through a lot right now. In such instances, instead of getting annoyed, giving up on them, snapping at them – opt for sitting together in silence. It might seem like a small step, but it helps to make a real difference. 

2. Sharing numbers of helplines or doctors? Go a step further – So you’ve shared the numbers of recommended psychiatrists and helpline numbers for your friend to call when they are feeling distressed. Often, this is far from being enough. Reaching out to a new person while constantly feeling depressed and suicidal can be very daunting. This can be made easier by following up with them and asking questions like: were you able to reach the doctor/helpline volunteer? Would it be easier if they did this in your company? Would it be helpful if they stepped out of their home, sat in a park and made the call? How did the call go? Were they comfortable making it? 

The idea here is to create the space and context within which a person can talk freely, including the things they don't feel comfortable talking about. 

3. Engaging them in conversation relating to the suicidal ideation they are feeling: Asking questions relating to it is very important. Have they thought about it to the extent that they have a plan in mind? Knowing the extent of their planning or thought process invested in is a vital clue towards knowing if it is ok for them to be on their own for some time, or, that they are currently in a space where leaving them alone even for a short while is not an option. 

Asking pointed questions relating to their feeling of wanting to die. For example: "I understand that this is how you feel right now, but what if 5 days from now you felt differently?", "Do you think that a month from now you will continue to feel this way?". Doing so can help put things in perspective. Citing this period of pain and suffering as a temporary period that will not last can help introduce an autosuggestion to the mind that recognizes that this difficult time will not last forever. 

4. The last thing that a person dealing with suicidal ideation wants is to face the added burden of judgment from someone else. Common but inaccurate modes of thought such as, "you are weak for thinking this way", "you just need to be strong", "you're making a big deal of this", "there are so many people out there going through much worse" are insensitive and painful for the person to hear at all times, but especially at this time. 

If you feel like you are unable to think of positive and helpful things to say to someone in pain, opting for silent company is a far better option instead. 

5. Help them build material evidence of how they are fighting what they are going through. Sit with them and help them create a list of things they love about themselves, things they feel proud of, things they acknowledge that they struggle with but forgive themselves for. Try and get them to make a habit of creating these self-generated lists. Doing this will strengthen their sense of self and induce feelings of hope and optimism. 

Also, help them create a list of three people they can reach out to in case they need to make an SOS call. Make sure that these three people can and will receive their calls at any point, night or day. Confirm that in case any of these people are unable to be available at a certain point then they will get back to them as soon as possible. 

Sources: 

• Siobhan, S. (2018, July 9). Health Collective: A safe space for conversations, trusted information and resources on mental health in India. Grey Hours: A Psychologist and Survivor’s Journey Through Depression. Retrieved September 5, 2018, from http://www.healthcollective.in/2018/07/grey-hours-depression/ 

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