Being very close to someone who has chronic health issues (physical and/or mental) is understandably hard. However, it is important to acknowledge that there exist several intimate relationships where both partners are able to love and care for each other, no matter what health issues one of them might be facing. 
 
In the course of the relationship, you share with your partner, there will be several ups and downs, and this can cause a lot of frustration and unhappiness. Some external circumstances can’t be managed, but framing your own understanding of how these health issues affect your loved one can go some way in not letting the bad days get to you. 
 
Here are a few things to keep in mind to manage your own emotional distress on a particularly tricky day for you both: 

1. On a day when your partner is saying things that are particularly rude and they don’t seem to have a handle on their irritability: it might be helpful to remind yourself, that this is not who they are. That their condition sometimes causes them to respond in a way where they don’t always have control over what they are saying; they are still people who care deeply for you. 

2. It is not always necessary that you respond with a helpful suggestion that is pertinent to the situation. Sometimes, there will be days when you will not be able to be there for your loved one because it might be a process, they need to get through themselves (particularly in case of bad mental health days). On days like these, letting them know that you understand they are having a bad day and that in case they need you, you will be around is enough. 

Listening mindfully without offering suggestions can be a very helpful source of comfort for your loved one. It is alright to not know what to do in some situations. Some health battles are to be dealt with solo and that is alright. 

1. If possible, try being aware of common triggers that cause distress for your partner. Knowing what these are (for e.g., not having a meal on time can lead to headaches, anxiety, and irritability) can help you be better prepared to avoid these triggers and care for your loved one in a way that might mean the reduction of your own emotional and physical labour, saving you time and energy. 

2. Make use of a good day when your partner is feeling stable to do something nice for both of you. Have a nice meal together and plan an outing. Find ways to spend time with each other that feels good for you both. 

3. It’s easy to feel resentful towards your partner if you feel like you’re not having the kind of life you wish for yourself because of the amount of time you spend taking care of their needs. Being aware of what your own personal goals are, and having something that you look forward to for yourself can allow you to feel a sense of fulfilment that can help with these feelings. 

Similarly, on the other hand, for your partner to be involved in something that they look forward to and derive a sense of achievement from, can help in channelling emotional energy in a healthy way. 

1. Often, someone who talks about a disability has to speak about their grievances with the risk of being seen as a ‘whiner’ (Telang, 2018). This can make it seem as if the only thing the person is talking about is their disability, but this is not true. This is something to be understood in light of various health ailments as well - mental and physical. 
   A person with a disability needs to speak to an able-bodied person freely and openly to sensitise the latter to their problems, this can’t be done in the absence of a supportive environment (Telang, 2018). This logic is also applicable for someone with mental and physical health issues when they are communicating with someone who does not have these problems. 
   Listening to your partner with kindness and compassion can be useful in many ways. You may perceive this as a dynamic where your partner needs you a lot more than you need them, but you might be surprised to learn how opening up about your own troublesome thoughts and feelings to them can lead to new learnings for you. This can happen because someone who has been living with physical and/or mental health conditions for a long time may have also developed coping mechanisms that might be very useful for you to know of too, in light of the situation that you are facing. 

2. Being cognizant of your own mental and physical health problems can often be hard if a lot of your attention, time and energy goes into looking out for the other person. Taking care of your health, regular check-ups at the doctor, and taking care of your emotional health are important for you to be wholly present to yourself and your partner.  

3. Finally, set realistic expectations. Ask yourself, what is your idea of a good day and given the circumstances, of a good relationship? It is easy and inaccurate to think that if you care for someone in a certain way and do a certain number of things to help them feel better, one day they will be completely OK. 

 
Chronic mental health and physical health issues are a lifelong battle though. The intensity of it may not be consistent on a daily basis, but it isn’t as if one day the bad days will simply disappear. 
 
Having a better understanding of what your realistic expectations from the relationship are will help in the long term. This will allow you to give yourself and your partner the space you both need to grow independently and within the relationship. 

Developing the self-awareness needed to take care of yourself in different ways plays an important role in any intimate relationship. Caring for your partner and developing a healthy, loving relationship based on trust involves being able to be there for each other as well as understanding the time you need for your own self-care. 
 
Your relationship is a space where it will make a real difference if you develop the emotional skill sets needed to care for yourself, doing this will also lead to a more fulfilling relationship for you and your partner. 

Sources: 

• Telang , A. (2018, March 13). Medium – Read, write and share stories that matter. Laying it Out: Preconceived Notions – Skin Stories – Medium. Retrieved March 21, 2018, from http://medium.com/skin-stories/laying-it-out-preconceived-notions-f7b9e4666166 

• Geib , B. (2016, May 4). The Mighty | We face disability, disease and mental illness together. Husband Writes Letter to Wife With Depression and Anxiety | The Mighty. Retrieved March 21, 2018, from http://themighty.com/2016/05/husband-writes-letter-to-wife-with-depression-and-anxiety/ 

• Fortenbury , J. (2013, December 30 ). The Atlantic. Love in the Time of Chronic Illness - The Atlantic. Retrieved March 21, 2018, from http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/love-in-the-time-of-chronic-illness/282477/ 

• (n.d.). National Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Association (NFMCPA). How to Be a Better Friend, Spouse, or Relative to Someone with FM or a Chronic Pain Condition. Retrieved March 21, 2018, from http://www.fmcpaware.org/how-to-be-a-better-friend-spouse-or-relative-to-someone-with-fm.html 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.