Sumit, a 32-year-old, working professional, was finding it hard to work as a team with his new manager. It seemed to him that each time he would propose an idea or try to do things differently, his efforts would get demeaned by his manager. The situation made him feel quite lost, helpless, and unsure of how to cope. 

Mitika, a 27-year-old, recently had a huge argument with her partner. She reported that her partner had been keeping quite busy and occupied with work. When asked to spend some time paying attention to the relationship, he became frustrated and ended up shouting at her unreasonably. She too, in retaliation, said some hurtful things to her partner. Looking back at the situation, she now feels guilty and annoyed at how she handled the situation. Her attempts to apologise have failed and she now feels helpless and disappointed.  

Most of us at some point in our lives have either experienced this emotion of helplessness or seen a loved one feel this way. Helplessness usually arises from situations which seem like a deadlock, where people feel like they are out of options/choices, or the situation seems to be absolutely out of their control.  

In the words of Psychiatrist, William Glaser 'human beings act on the world around them for a purpose'’. Each behaviour that we exhibit is aimed at satisfying one or more of the five basic needs that we want to accomplish from moment to moment. The five basic needs shared by him are- survival, love and belongingness, power, freedom, and fun (to be able to seek pleasure, relaxation and learning). 

In the examples shared above, both Sumit and Mitika exhibited the need to belong, to fit in. When their needs were rejected, Sumit started to succumb to the situation to fulfil his need for survival, while Mitika fulfilled her need for power by being aggressive towards her partner.  

If we are able to be more aware of our needs, be able to prioritize them, monitor our behaviours, re-assess them and then develop more functional behaviours, we will be in a better place to make informed and intentional choices. Being able to do so, in itself, can help us  feel more equipped and more in control of our lives.  

The following methods can be used in order to gain this control and be able to make better choices (adapted from ''Your Ultimate Life Coaching Tools Library'', 2019) 

 
1. Self-evaluation through Journaling- instead of being constantly pre-occupied with the thoughts of what happened, what did I do wrong, what could I have done better, what was my fault etc. and not being able to focus on the things at hand; writing about it has been found as a more reliable and effective tool for self-monitoring. Having our thoughts, feelings and behaviours on paper gives it a more realistic picture. Reflecting back on our daily interactions can help us in being more aware. We may ask ourselves a few questions such as what did I really want from the person/situation? How did I try to achieve it? Was it useful? If not, then could there be a more effective way of doing this? 

2. Sphere of Influence- there are situations where we seem to believe that we have no control over anything. Let's categorize this into 3 areas: things that we can control, things that we can influence, and things that we have no influence on. Keep these aspects in mind while trying to make a choice or take a decision.  

3. Your Action Worksheet- This strategy requires us to divide a blank sheet into 5 columns and create a list of our actions on the basis of the given points: 
- Actions to Stop- unhealthy reactions and responses that prevent us from reaching our goal. 
- Actions to practice less off- reactions which generally don't yield helpful results but have sometimes worked in the past. 
- Action to continue- healthy behaviours that help us in meeting some of our goals even if it is not an urgent goal.  
- Actions to do more of- engaging in actions that have occasionally helped us in reaching our goals. For example, being accepting and encouraging to another person might help them in doing the same for us. 
- Starting new actions- based on assessing what new behaviours one could engage in, practice new and positive behaviours to fulfil the needs and goals.  

4. Positively reinforcing self-reminding oneself of the times when we have been able to choose effectively and felt in control of our life, brings in a sense of confidence in our own capacity (Capuzzi and Stauffer, 2016).  

While we continue to center our attention on the outside forces, over which we have little or almost no control towards, we often forget that the power is within. It might seem more useful to turn our attention inwards, to our own actions, thoughts and emotions. Other people might not change, and the past might not change, but how we work towards the future in the present moment can be changed and decided- by us.  

References 
Capuzzi, D., & Stauffer, M. D. (2016). Reality therapy/ choice therapy. In Counseling and psychotherapy: Theories and interventions (6th ed., pp. 311-322).  
Quickstart guide to choice theory. (2019, 20). Retrieved from https://wglasser.com/quickstart-guide-to-choice-theory/#basic-needs 
Take charge of your life! (2019, 21). Retrieved from https://wglasser.com/make-choice-theory-work-for-you/take-charge-of-your-life/ 
Your Ultimate Life Coaching Tools Library 2019 (+PDF & Exercises). (2019, June 21). Retrieved from https://positivepsychology.com/life-coaching-tools/ 
  

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help. 
 
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