28-year-old Poonam was working in an MNC. She constantly had conflicts with her parents regarding marriage. While her parents had been patient and waited for her to feel settled in her career, they noticed that her resistance towards the idea was only increasing. Eventually, one day, Poonam broke the news to her parents that she identified as a lesbian. Her parents were taken aback and did not know how to react or respond.

24-year-old Sumit recently found out that his older brother was in a homosexual relationship. His brother was someone he had always respected, looked up to, and tried to emulate. Sumit had friends who identified as queer and had considered himself as being open and accepting towards this. But when his brother spoke about it with him, he felt confused and experienced a sudden sense of insecurity. He began to question himself and his perceptions of his brother.

If you have experienced a similar situation, it would have probably come with many emotions for you and your loved ones. Homosexuality has been taboo in India, hardly ever spoken about openly. However, it is gradually becoming more acceptable to disclose one's sexual orientation and non-binary gender identity to family, friends and colleagues. Individuals identifying as LGBTQI+ are increasingly comfortable being open and honest with their loved ones. While it is still a difficult step to take, they find it freeing and exhilarating. 

However, for family members and friends, even those who are comparatively more accepting of the LGBTQI+ community, it may be a completely different feeling when they first discover that their friend, son, daughter, brother, sister, or even spouse identifies as part of the LGBTQI+ community. Some possible reactions they might go through are:

• Experience shock accompanied by denial making it difficult to believe the news is true or real. It might be followed by anger and sadness. Some might even bargain or pray that this is not true or can be changed somehow.
• The mind may go blank.
• Thinking of what they might have done wrong
• Stress-related symptoms (feeling sick – headaches, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, etc.)
• Blaming self for the situation
• Not being able to concentrate on work
• Withdrawing from others and the particular loved one
• Questioning their values and beliefs

Dealing with the news:
Your loved one has broken the news of their sexual orientation to you, and you are left wondering how to process this piece of information and how to act with them now. Perhaps now is the time to take a break to understand how you feel. Here's what might help:

• Identify and be comfortable with your emotions. Whatever you are feeling about the revelation is natural and healthy. Perhaps it's anger, grief, relief or even curiosity. It is only fair that you give yourself time and patience to assimilate and understand your emotions.
• Resist false guilt and feelings of rejection and hate. For example, a parent often feels that their child's sexual orientation is linked to their success as a parent, and then they start to internalize these emotions of guilt, regret and even rejection. While it may be difficult, we can also remember that feelings of guilt would only hinder our acceptance and might even affect the relationship negatively.
• Educate yourself. It is always good to understand what your loved one is saying to you and what they had to go through to break this news to you. Perhaps you would like to find out more about the LGBTQI+ community. It will help you feel more in control and be on the same page as your LGBTQI+ family member or friend.
• Find your support system. Talking to other friends or family of the individuals belonging to the LGBTQI+ community might help you find people who have faced the same emotions as you. It can also help you find the right kind of support.
• Communicate with them when you are ready. After taking some time to absorb the news, you can also think about what you would like to say to your loved one. While honesty is healthy, keep in mind that you should avoid hurting them.
• Be supportive. You may not fully understand or accept their sexuality but you can still let them know you are there for them. If they open up, try to listen and understand without being judgmental. However, if they don't want to share further, respect that. It would also be a good idea to encourage them to approach a counsellor since they might find it easier to share their true feelings with a neutral, unbiased person,
• Remember that their sexual orientation is only one aspect of their self, and they are still the same person you loved and cared for all these years!

Possible questions that you might be seeking answers to at this point are:

• Why did they have to tell us? Was I better off not knowing? 
• Why didn't our child tell us before?
• Why is my child/family member gay?
• Why am I uncomfortable with their sexuality?
• Should we consult a psychiatrist or psychologist?
• What kind of discrimination would my child face?
• How do I reconcile this with my religion?
• What about HIV/AIDS?
• What will others/society say if they find out?
• How can I support my child?
• Can marriage change their sexuality?

You can talk to a counsellor about it if you struggle with these or any other questions, fears or doubts.