S unlocked the door to his house after an exhausting day at work. He walked in to find his partner using their phone. S noticed that he wasn’t received with a greeting, ‘hello’, or even a glance. Being upset about his day in general, S started questioning himself about their relationship, and when it became so drab. Could S do something to recognize, and break the negative patterns between his partner and himself?
Relationships can be crucial to one’s health and survival. An almost 80-year old research, the ‘Harvard Study of Adult Development’, has been dedicated to understanding what determines the health of an adult. “Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation”, explained Robert Waldinger, director of the study. The study has also found that “Loneliness kills, it’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.”
The importance of stable, close relationships have been established. However, it is natural for one to face challenges while maintaining, and tending to these significant relationships. Expectations, needs, desires, and behaviours of each person are varied, and a clash between these, or a perceived clash between these can lead to distance in relationships. Keeping this in mind, here are a few patterns that one can watch out for in relationships, and corresponding actions that can be taken to manage them-
Triangulation- Constantly consulting a loved one about your relationship, or worried that your partner is doing so?
This is a process wherein the problem between couples is maintained or aggravated due to the presence of one or more individuals trying to “solve” their problems for them. For instance, as a result of a disturbed home environment, a partner can choose to talk to a friend and take their advice to be more aggressive to get what is expected from the relationship. Common examples of a triangulation pattern in relationships involve consulting a parent, in-law, relative or colleague repeatedly for advice.
Continuing to follow the process of triangulation can freeze a conflict in place.
Tip to try: Think about a time where your partner and you were able to contain an argument or difference of opinion, on your own. However long ago or insignificant these incidents may seem, the fact that they have happened in the past means they can happen again. It is important to think about these exceptions and recall what enabled both of you to work on the challenges yourselves. Discuss how you could replicate that situation today.
2. Pursuer-distancer- Do you think the distance between you and your partner is too much, or too little?
According to this pattern, when there is a clash in a relationship, there is likely to be one partner who is pursuing, or chasing closeness, and another partner who is distancing, or avoiding closeness. In relationships, when one individual seems to be coming too close, the other person’s natural instinct is to back up and try protecting themselves. The position of a pursuer, and distancer- both, are coming from an intent to protect themselves. While a pursuer may want constant validation because of their anxiety, the distancer may want to protect themselves from feeling suffocated.
Tip to try: If this pattern is something that you have seen in your relationship, try doing the exact opposite of what you have done until now. Consider this as a little relationship experiment that you’re trying. Identify the times when you tend to pursue/ distance, and try doing the opposite of what you usually do. For instance, if you tend to get extremely upset when your partner doesn’t call you at a certain time, try involving yourself in another activity, instead of calling them at that instance, and expressing your displeasure. Know that it isn’t helping you to continue the pattern since the other person’s behaviour is getting reinforced by what you do. The more you pursue/ distance, the more they will do the opposite.
3. Unhealthy boundaries- Is there too much, or too little independence and autonomy in your relationship?
Within relationships, there tend to be boundaries or invisible barriers which determine interaction. Decisions, conversations, rules, expectations are determined by these boundaries. Boundaries can be rigid, normal or relaxed.
When boundaries are too rigid, they can permit little contact outside the relationship, can feel restrictive, and cause disengagement. This can make partners independent, but isolated.
When boundaries are too relaxed, it can cause entanglement of relationships. While there is a lot of mutual support in these relationships, it leaves very little space for independence and autonomy.
Tips to try: If independence, autonomy, isolation are aspects of your relationship you’d like to work on, there needs to be a balance between the boundaries being too rigid and too relaxed. For this, each partner’s needs and preferences need to be discussed and accommodated. For instance, if a partner’s interests/ hobbies are being curbed due to certain reasons, it is important to mutually decide on a substitute or a frequency with which the individual can enjoy their hobby. Finding a balance between each partner’s expectations, styles of interaction, goals, interests etc. could help.
4. Overfunctioning-underfunctioning- Tired of being called ‘nagging’ or ‘lazy’ by your partner?
In every relationship, it is likely that there is one individual who overfunctions, and one who underfunctions. An overfunctioner is one who tends to take up more than is required- who goes out of the way to get tasks done, who fixes and solves most problems. An underfunctioning partner is one who requests for assistance and hopes others will take responsibility for tasks during a challenge. While an underfunctioning partner accepts their anxiety to soothe themselves, an overfunctioner takes on too much work to deal with their anxiety.
Tips to try: Though it is hard, the overfunctioner in the relationship needs to learn how to take a step back, and draw the line, as to how much is too much. This may make one feel anxious and restless, but it is still part of the process. The underfunctioning partner needs to learn when and how they can contribute to different situations that require their assistance. Making either of these changes is hard. Hence, it might help to decide on a certain ‘price, or ordeal for either partner for not doing what has been decided. The ‘price’ to pay needs to be unpleasant for the individual, so that it is easier to break from the pattern than be prepared to pay for not doing so.
5. Control, rebel and reject cycles- Been told you’re the problematic one in your relationship?
Another pattern concerning relationships, suggests that when one partner tends to control- decisions, activities, rules etc., the other is most likely to reject, and rebel against these plans. While controlling can come from an attempt to manage one’s worry, anxiety, or even concern, being controlled can cause hurt, withdrawal, anger etc., which makes the other partner want to rebel or reject these even more.
Tips to try: If you have identified with one of the positions mentioned in this pattern, it can help to think about what kind of worries make you want to feel in-charge of things. Or, what makes you resentful of being told what to do, and how to do. We tend to carry a lot of beliefs and emotions from our past into relationships. Soothing these feelings, giving importance to your own individuality can help in easing this pattern out. This differentiation of the self can work towards helping you think and reflect before reacting immediately to emotional pressures.
The points mentioned above imply that relationships work like a system. When one part of the system reacts in a way, it pushes the other part to react within a set pattern. Often, these patterns can get negative. Hence, it is important to remember that by changing what one person does, the pattern or cycle can be broken. The problem doesn’t exist within one person. The problem exists in the pattern of interaction.
If the contents of this article have gotten you thinking, and you would like to discuss this further with a counsellor, please feel free to reach out to us on 18002588999/ 18002588121.
If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.
Online Counselling
Place an online request for an Appointment