When it comes to relationships, our first instinct is to protect the bond. You may have met someone that understands you and over time, you have come to love and respect that person. It is only natural for you to want to keep that person in your life as they add so much meaning to it. If a situation or another person threatens to come in between, naturally insecurities will arise. 

But what happens when you find yourself getting increasingly jealous and insecure about your relationship day by day? 

Do you find yourself wanting to control your partner all the time? 

Are you constantly anxious of a threatening situation that may or may not have happened as yet? (What if my partner falls in love with someone else?) 

"I love my wife, that is why I am protective of her and constantly want to know where she is or what she is doing?" 

OR "I love my boyfriend and I want him to stop talking to other girls." 

Does this sound familiar? Often jealousy can be mistaken for an act of love. However, it is not a form of love if it increases to an irrational level. It can not only harm your relationship, but it can destroy you in the process. 

 
Reasons Behind Jealousy and Ways to Deal with It 

 
Personal Insecurities: Low self-confidence can also contribute to feeling jealous. When another person comes into your life, they make you feel good about yourself. Losing them would hurt because they loved us when we did not even love ourselves. 

Keep in mind that loving and respecting yourself is primary. Depending on others to give you that important so that you feel good about yourself will only lead to hurt and disappointment. Recognize your strengths and make it a point to feel good about yourself every day. When in a relationship, most people forget that they have a life outside their relationship. Make time to meet your friends or pursue an interest. That way you will learn something new and continue to make new friends. While you are investing in yourself, encourage your partner to do the same. Your partner will appreciate you. Being all-consumed in the relationship can become unhealthy. 

 
Past experiences: Perhaps you have been hurt before by an unfaithful partner and you do not want history to repeat itself. So, before any such behaviour crops up again, you may try to monitor your current partner, thinking that you are protecting yourself from getting hurt again or you are stopping history from repeating itself. 

It is never easy dealing with the pain that the previous relationship left us with. However, holding onto it is not going to help us either. Keep in mind that you are wiser with experience. Sharing with your partner about the hurt from previous relationships will help them understand you better, help you overcome the hurt from the past, as well as build a strong foundation for your relationship. 

 
Expectations: All of us have expectations from our relationships. There may be times when you would expect your partner to call you every other hour to see what you are doing. If that does not happen, you may start to suspect your partner or feel that they do not care about you as much. 

While it is normal to have expectations from your partner, it is necessary that you share your expectations with them and that the expectations are reasonable. It will help them understand what you need from them, and you will understand what they need from you as well. Keep in mind that not all expectations can be met, which is okay, as long as the important ones are being met. For instance, your partner calling you at least once a day is important but expecting that they call you 5 times a day to ask if you have eaten, boarded the bus, etc, may be an unrealistic expectation. 

 
Disloyal partner: Yes, it is possible that your jealousy may be stemming from the fact that your partner is not reliable when it comes to telling the truth or setting appropriate boundaries with people. 

Relationships are built on trust, if your partner is not giving you a reason to trust them, you need to talk about it. Keeping tabs on them or controlling their every movement is not going to help. Instead, have an open discussion about their behaviour and its effects on you. This would let them know why you are jealous. It is important to set boundaries as an individual, for example, it is not okay that your partner cheats on you. It is also not acceptable that your partner inappropriately talks to or touches someone of the opposite sex. If your partner is unwilling to adhere to reasonable boundaries, do ask yourself whether being in this relationship is beneficial for your well-being. 

 
Myths of jealous behaviour: More often than not, some of us mistake jealousy to be a way of showing our partners that we love them. 

As much as the other person likes to know that they are wanted and loved, showing that you are jealous constantly does not increase their love for you. In fact, you are pushing them further away from you. Recognize why you are feeling jealous and address it before it affects your relationship negatively. 

 
Remember that a relationship is built on trust and respect. Is your jealousy getting in the way? 

If you feel that you are not able to deal with jealousy by yourself, feel free to contact us for counselling. We would be happy to help. 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.