Imagine you go to sleep tonight. During the night, while you’re asleep, a miracle happens and, when you wake up, your most positive dreams for your future come true. You wake up to a life that you have ideally imagined for yourself, and this makes you very content with what lies ahead.
If this imagination prompted you to fantasize about a change in job, city, location, home, relationship etc., it’s likely that you have engaged in the possibility of this happening earlier.
We may ponder over the opportunity of a momentous change in our lives swiftly carrying us to a different/ better place of being. In fact, when we are confronted with the thought of being confined to redundant schedules, activities, arguments, and feelings, the possibility of a change serves as an escape. Let’s imagine in flashes for ourselves- a swanky car, luxury home, ideal job post to key in on social media, or a ‘perfect’ partner to enjoy all this with. The world makes us need more incessantly.
The world today is consumerist. There is an inherent need to buy and consume more, and more... A tour around Europe with the family, the latest phone, the most luxurious restaurants and leisure amenities allow us to jump in and feel part of society. With a gaping demand to do more and be more, it is natural to desire growth, improvement or transformation. The world is transforming, and to continue spinning with it, one is expected to pick the pace. And, more often than not, growth/ transformation is considered to be synonymous with ‘changing’ something about ourselves, almost implying that what and who we are today is somewhat flawed- inadequate.
Do these thoughts read similar to the ones that you’ve had at some point?
“None of this would have to be this difficult if I had found my perfect partner.”
This city is filled with people who are just not my type. Moving from here can make me build friendships and feel more social.”
This project is so boring- I can never be happy here. I have to look for something else.”
In all likelihood, one could strive to unlock all opportunities that promise better scope. If you have been contemplating change, and do so often, read on to think if there’s a certain caution that can be served with constant change-
Inevitable adaptation
As humans, we are designed for adaptation, which means that any kind of change, when passed through time, will deliver what we resist most- mundanity. A new job, relationship, or city will still drop to becoming boring unless we work to keep it alive for ourselves.
Short-term affect
The excitement from a new change can influence various biochemical processes in the body to make us interested in our lives again. But, research shows that short-term effects need not correlate with long-term affective states in happiness. What we are drawing a line between is immediate gratification versus long-term happiness. Frequently seeking change could be a need for immediate gratification.
Transformation and growth need not be words that are synonymous with change. In fact, they can happen even without us pushing for a major change. The reason why change is related to growth is that it teaches us how to mould a challenging situation to our own advantage. Therefore, it isn’t change itself that is bringing relief, but our resilient response to challenges that is. Think about it: If you are feeling challenged right now- is it time to
change something in the environment,
upgrade our own responses to challenges or
accept that bouts of disappointment will fall into most choices we make in life.
If you have identified an intense need for change from your current situation and are still doubtful about whether it is an okay thing to do, talk to yourself. Self-talk can be particularly helpful when you feel differently about the same thing. Use different seats to bring out the different thoughts that you’re having about the dilemma. For instance, place two seats opposite each other, and take turns shifting your seat while talking to yourself about why you should, or should not, take a certain decision about the dilemma. A question for you to ponder over- How much of the need for change has sprouted from the environment being unacceptable, and how much has come from your difficulty to adjust with it- Is there a fear of failure? For a moment, pause to re-attribute your reasons for wanting to change something. Whatever your reasons are, let’s begin by showing acceptance and care for that being the truth- you’re human and are allowed to feel.
To help make this decision, and others that might come along the way, consider the concept of a ‘wise mind’- Your decision to change, upgrade or accept can come from a ‘wise’ way of thinking. A wise mind is a decisional-making space that allows one to consider both the rational and emotional mind. When one is feeling stuck, it is important to approach knowledge intellectually, but also hear what the gut might be saying. Here’s an activity that could help-
Use a sheet of paper to pen down the actual dilemma that you have been having. Even if it is an overwhelming dilemma in your mind, it still has the potential to be sized within a few words.
Now, write down what would be the best and worst-case scenarios for yourself, in the light of making a certain choice about the dilemma. This might take you some time, but feel free to dwell on it. Remember, that if the best-case scenario sounds like a fairy tale, the worst scenario also isn’t the most real either.
Divide the rest of the page in half- one for your gut feelings, and the other for a rational cost-benefit analysis. In the column for your gut feelings, feel free to jot down everything that you hear your feelings saying. In the column for the cost-benefit analysis, write down the positive and negative consequences of both, changing the ‘thing’ in question, or letting it be and working differently within it.
What is the decision that both columns are suggesting?
Decisions can be hard. Rather, they are bound to be hard, because when we think of choosing something, we always have to choose it over something else. And, when both choices come with their own set of consequences, it can leave us confused. The idea is to choose something that is more manageable for us, something that we can turn to our own advantage. There is comfort in knowing and accepting that most choices will have challenges, and at each point, we can learn about our resources to cope better.
If you have been confused and need time to make a certain decision or are trying to cope with a situation that you’re in, it's probable that you’re often disturbed by intruding thoughts. Try some of the relaxation strategies mentioned below to secure yourself some peace in the chaos-
Counting breaths
Find the most comfortable place for yourself. If that means going to bed and covering yourself with sheets, allow yourself this time. Take deep breaths, hold and exhale while making a conscious effort to count your breaths Repeat this for a couple of minutes to relax yourself, and know that you’re doing a brave job of taking care of yourself through this difficulty.
2. Observing sounds
Find yourself a quiet space wherever you are- away from people. Try closing your eyes and bring all your awareness to one sense- your sense of hearing. Observe the different sounds around you- a clock ticking, birds chirping, a running fan in the room, people chatting in the next room, your own breathing etc. Notice that this is happening around you- there are thoughts coming to your mind, but you’re safe at the moment.
3. Thought clouds
Imagine that you’re lying down in a beautiful garden or beach, looking at the clouds in the sky. As and when there are thoughts coming to your mind, imagine that they form light clouds above, and float into the sky. It is natural for you to have thoughts, but they’re like the clouds you will imagine- they pass. Since they will pass, they need not have the power to stress you at this moment.
These are exercises that can help you feel relaxed at the moment. But, if there’s more that you’d like to discuss about a decision or any distress related to it, please call on 1800-270-1790 and fix a counselling appointment- We’d be happy to hear.
References
Dijk, S.V. (2012, ). Българско Неорайхианско Психотерапевтично Дружество • Българско Неорайхианско Психотерапевтично Дружество. DBT Made Simple . Retrieved June 25, 2018, from http://neoraihianstvo.org/forum/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/Sheri-Van-Dijk-MSW-DBT-Made-Simple-A-Step-by-Step-Guide-to-Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy1.pdf
Kozma, A., Stone, S., Stones, M., Hannah, T., & McNeil , K. (1990, March ). Home - Springer. Long- and short-term affective states in happiness: Model, paradigm and experimental evidence | SpringerLink. Retrieved June 25, 2018, from http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00354836
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