23-year-old Software engineer, Shruti was frequently exhausted after a long day's work only to go back in the evening and deal with her boyfriend's demands and tantrums. She found herself feeling incapable and unimportant in the relationship. The unending compromise of her time with friends and family left her feeling empty and alone. 

So what happened to Shruti...? She ended up compromising herself... 

Many in Shruti's situation would have defined selfless giving and compromise as an undeniable characteristic of love. We often do not think about the long-term impact of doing so. This article would help recognize the true meaning, need and importance of compromising in relationships. 

A compromise is a way of settling differences by making concessions from either end if one person wants to sleep over the weekend and the other wants to watch a movie, perhaps hiring a movie CD to watch at home without the pressure of having to commute is a good compromise if both parties agree. So in a nutshell, a compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece. 

When is it OK to Compromise? 

Jane Wells says, "Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break", which means if something is worth saving, it is worth giving up a little. 

When we are on the lookout for a life partner, we usually look for someone who completes us, complements our shortcomings and has similar strengths and interests. In the initial romantic phase of a relationship, couples generally tend to put on their best show to please the other and do anything to make the relationship last. Gradually, the acts of love reduce and the adjustment phase sets in. 

Compromise in small doses is common in relationships, like turning down the TV volume while the other person talks on the phone or closing the newspaper to help out with errands or chores. These compromises do not threaten our core needs, wants, and deepest desires. It is when we start compromising on the essential elements of who we are as people that the cracks in the foundation of relationships begin to develop. 

How much is too much... 

A healthy relationship affirms each partner and allows them to meet their personal needs along with others. An unhealthy relationship demands that one or both partners change themselves in a way that meets the needs of the other's alone. 

When two different people with distinct personalities, interests, and needs come together, there is bound to be some friction and unpleasantness in the relationship. The key to bridging the differences is to be flexible without feeling like a doormat or compromising important values. While there are plenty of things that should be open to negotiation in a relationship, here are a few important aspects which if compromised can lead to resentment and frustration later; 

1. Self-Identity - The essence of ‘who you are' like your unique personality, your dreams and values should be respected and appreciated by your significant other. If you find yourself feeling like you need to give up things that matter to you, you are compromising too much of yourself. 

2. Family Ties - Cutting your family out of your life to satisfy your partner is destructive, and will most certainly lead to a lack of support when required. Both partners need to realize that healthy compromise comes in accepting their loved one's family with their flaws. 

3. Friends - Your partner does not have to like your friends; after all, they are your friends and not theirs. As long as your friendships are healthy and they add something positive to your life, they are worth preserving. 

4. Morals and Beliefs - The basic moral system should be respected. Loving someone does not mean you need to absorb their moral values or give up yours. 

5. Self-Respect - Any relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself is an unhealthy one. If a compromise makes you feel taken advantage of, or lessens you somehow as a person, then it is an unhealthy compromise. As Jane Joplin quotes, "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." 

6. Individual Personality traits- Co-dependency in relationships is inevitable, however, if given too much importance can lead to couples forgetting how to function as separate individuals. Keeping your own personal interests and personality quirks is healthy, no matter how tight the bond between you and your partner is. Appreciate and celebrate your differences, instead of ignoring them. 

The art of compromise comes along with mutual respect, good intentions and honesty. A compromise should strengthen the relationship as a whole instead of putting either individual down. 

Remember: If you have to compromise during a difficult situation in a relationship, it is sometimes the only workable option. However, if you find yourself being forced to repeatedly compromise on something major then it might be time to end the relationship (read the article "How to End a Romantic Relationship"). 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help. 

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