To answer this question, we must first ask ourselves another one: "How do I know if I’m a people pleaser?" The act of people-pleasing is often disguised as selflessness, kindness, and helpfulness. However, it inevitably generates a deep sense of unfulfillment and resentment in the people-pleaser. People pleasing can feel a lot like the inability to say "no", feeling like you have way too much on your plate and aren’t coping, or a need to always be available for your loved ones, sometimes (or often) at our own expense. If you resonate with these experiences, you may be struggling with people-pleasing tendencies.
These tendencies can stem from a variety of sources, including:
A need for external validation - a need for praise from our friends, family, or colleagues when we successfully "please" them.
Co-dependency dynamics - when we make it impossible for ourselves to do without a loved one, for the fear of being left or rejected by them.
Low self-worth - could lead us to equate our sense of worthiness with our ability to provide for those around us.
Perfectionism - can also manifest as a fear of failure in any aspect of our lives, be it work or relationships.
Lack of boundaries - a difficulty in drawing personal and professional boundaries concerning our capacities, abilities, and time constraints.
How people pleasing can hurt you:
While many people-pleasers are considered highly empathetic, "good" people, there are many downsides to being a chronic people pleaser:
Struggling with feelings of self-doubt
Feeling worthy is worthy only through acts of service to others
One’s own needs being unmet, and a pattern of self-neglect
Feelings of resentment in one’s relationships
Sense of guilt for not being able to "deliver" or for prioritising one’s needs.
How can one break free of this pattern of people pleasing?
Self-awareness: The very first step is understanding and admitting that one is acting out of a desire to be perceived a certain way by others. It can be helpful to trace the history of this pattern in your life. Take the time to understand when and how it started and the relationships it was most evident in.
Confrontation: It is important to gently confront the fear that people-pleasing tendencies stem from - be it a fear of losing the love of someone in your life, the fear of being seen as you are vs. the way you wish to project yourself, or the fear of being rejected for "not being good enough".
Reflection: As a recovering people pleaser, it can be enormously helpful to ask yourself these questions before saying "yes" to any task or request:
What are my reasons for doing this? Do I truly want to do this?
Do I have the capacity (emotionally, physically, and mentally) at this time to commit to it?
How will I feel after doing this? Will it bring me joy, or will I feel used/depleted?
Am I attempting to control the way someone perceives me?
Practise: Setting and implementing boundaries is a learned skill and one that you can become good at with lots of practice. It can be helpful to start with setting small boundaries with the people you love and trust, while you build this skill.
Well-adjusted people can set boundaries clearly and kindly, and healthy relationships allow room for both people’s needs and their limitations. By understanding and checking the people-pleasing patterns, we can connect with others in more authentic, meaningful, and mutually beneficial ways.