"Bengaluru's night of shame."
"Bengaluru: two scooter-borne men molest woman in Kammanahalli area, assault caught on camera."
"Ola driver and two of his friends molest doctor in moving car in Chennai, arrested."
"After Bengaluru, Delhi molestation incident, Mumbai woman assaulted in Tardeo."
These are some of the headlines in the last few months to have ignited public anger in India. While public discourse in the news and social media is necessary to bring these frequent experiences into light, what can you do - as a friend, colleague or family member - to help someone you know who has gone through sexual assault?
What do you say to someone you know, man or woman, who's just opened up to you that they've been raped, groped, rubbed against, flashed or been forced to watch pornographic content? While reading this article, it could be that some of you might have an immediate reaction where you would want to ask the victim what they did to provoke this act. Were they wearing tight clothes? Were they flirting with the perpetrator? Were they saying "no" but really meant "yes"? Were they walking alone in the dark? In a culture that blames the victim for "causing" sexual assault, survivors naturally feel silenced and more often than not, suffer alone. So, despite our personal views about provocation, if we want to support someone who seems to be traumatized, troubled, hurt or afraid, let's look at what we should and shouldn't say to them.
We hear this phrase a lot - to "extend empathy to a victim". But what does this really look like? It's hard to do, but let's put ourselves in the victim's shoes. What would we like to hear right now? It would probably be along the lines of "this wasn't your fault", "nobody deserves this" and "I'm here for you". Let's remind ourselves that this person has chosen to share a difficult incident with us. Keeping in mind the variety of feelings they might be experiencing while even thinking about sharing this experience, such as fear of judgment, shame, guilt, anger, helplessness, the step of sharing has been a brave one - they are risking being judged, shamed or made to feel guilty because they feel the burden is too heavy for them to carry alone.
However, this does not mean we are entitled to "know all the facts" - this is not about us. Many victims don't have clear memories of a molestation incident and asking them to recount it for us could come across like a test, as if we are testing them to tell us the truth. It might take years for a victim to heal, and healing does not necessarily mean "getting over" the incident. It could mean simply allowing it not to interrupt daily functioning, or just being able to speak about it with more people. But telling them that "it has been x number of weeks, months, years and it is time to move on" only embarrasses, shames, and criticizes them. In addition, minimizing their experience by pointing out that "it happens to so many people" could reignite the thought that they are "making a big deal out of nothing", thus intensifying the shame and guilt around an already traumatic experience. On the same lines, empathy could also come in the form of action - offering them a hug, to make a cup of tea, to take their time to talk about it, even to offer to sit in silence if that is what the victim needs.
In the end, if you don't know what to say, sometimes just articulating that can be powerful. "I don't know what to say... I'm so sorry you had to go through that" can make a victim feel listened to and underlines the heaviness of the assault. This heaviness can also weigh you, as a supporter, down with feelings of anger and helplessness, guilt that you weren't there to help - it is important for you to be able to deal with those feelings too. Reading up on the topic can be a helpful first step. If you or someone you know has experienced being non-consensually violated in any way and want to talk, the counseling lines at 1to1help.net are an avenue to explore the mixed feelings and memories.
Summing up, here are the do's and don't's:
Do:
Thank the person for sharing their story with you.
Ask them what they need from you right now - a hug, a cup of tea, a listening ear, silence.
Tell them it was not their fault - nobody deserves to be assaulted.
Take some time to explore your own feelings via writing in a journal, talking to a counselor or reflecting on them in silence.
Remember to keep the story confidential, even if the person has not explicitly asked for that.
Don't:
Tell them to "get over it".
Interrogate them for all the details of the incident.
Shame them by asking what they "could have done differently" to stop the assault.
Minimize their feelings by quoting newspaper articles that talk about other assault victims.
Rationalize the incident or the resulting feelings - assault is not rational and neither are the emotional responses it can trigger.
If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.
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