25-year-old Sanjay's mother had always been a very busy woman. During his childhood, she would often be tired by the time she got home after a long day and would end up losing her temper with him. Now, even decades later he still feels hurt whenever he is reminded of the times when his mother threatened to throw him out of the house because he had left his dirty socks on the bed. As a result, he began to avoid spending time with her, and their relationship became more strained. 
 
The key to breaking the shackles that such past experiences have us under is called "forgiveness". Research shows that forgiveness not only reduces anger, but also hurt, depression, and stress; leading to feelings of hope, compassion, peace, and self-confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as better physical health. It also opens our hearts and lives to kindness, beauty, and love. 

Having extolled what forgiveness does, it is also important to understand what it is and what it is not. Forgiveness does not in any way mean condoning the action, and often it doesn't even mean reconciliation with the offender. What it does mean is coming to terms with what has happened. Someone has very aptly defined it as the "peace and understanding that comes from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story." 

Seems quite a colossal task, doesn't it? Well, it can be, but we can also choose to make it a little simpler for ourselves. It is a search for peace and a decision we take only for ourselves. Forgiveness is not about releasing the other person but releasing oneself from the grips of the emotions created by the offensive or hurtful act. It is about reclaiming power. When we allow any act of another person to hurt us, we hand over the power and control of our life and emotions to that person. Forgiveness is taking back this power, and deciding for oneself what will and will not affect one. 

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." - Lewis B. Smedes 
 
 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.