"Although Arun and Nita have been married for 14 years, they seem to be always in conflict over money issues. While Arun is quite often an impulsive spender, Nita's relationship with money has been very conservative. Arun feels that Nita needs to learn to enjoy the financial freedom that they have, while for Nita, long term plans of saving for their two kids are far more important than spending impulsively. Every argument about other issues always seems to end in a conflict about money management and with accusations being hurled at each other."
Things would have been easier if they had taken time to talk about finance, taking into account their personal values about money and working out a mutually agreeable financial plan. Considering such scenarios, it becomes imperative for both partners to first be aware of the reasons for the conflict and then go about resolving them in the best way possible.
Here are some common work-based conflicts that couples generally face and some tools to deal with them:
Managing Role Conflicts
While in earlier times roles were very well defined between couples, there has been a sea of change after the advent of double-income families in recent years. Men do pitch in with the chores to help out their partners and most households do share responsibilities more or less equally. But this situation isn't always without its challenges, thanks to the demanding job schedules of both partners. There are still roles that only a woman takes on, like the primary ones of cooking, cleaning and taking care of the children's needs. Sometimes the woman might feel resentful that she is taking on more than her partner. So, before the pressure piles on, sort out your feelings and talk to your partner about your expectations. Dialogues are a great way to resolve conflicts.
Financial issues
Like in Arun and Nita's case, money is one of the major reasons for marital conflict. Often partners have different values about money. Conflicts can also arise when one of the partners brings in much more than the other. The best way to resolve money issues is to have an open discussion with your partner and create a budget that takes into account both your interests and opinions. Saving plans, loan repayments and travel expenses are other contentious issues that need to be planned in advance. Once there is clarity about the distribution of available funds and a clear financial plan, then there is less room for arguments about money.
Healthy Communication
Very often we assume that our partner should know how we are feeling or our expectations of them. Whether it is about daily routines, children's schedules, travel plans, money or just about making time for each other, nothing is too trivial for a dialogue. Instead of assuming things and feeling resentful, it is better, to be honest with your partner and clarify issues without hesitation. There may be days when you just want to be alone and other times when you want your partner to just listen to you about your day's work. Again, don't assume that your partner should be able to read your mind. Communicate your expectations very clearly and you will find that there are fewer battles in your home.
Making time for leisure
Sometimes one is so caught up with daily routines and chores that you might miss scheduling some ‘me time' for yourself or leisure time for the family. Plan some kind of family time every week or at least once a month so that you feel connected and engaged as a family. Couples who have hectic schedules must prevent burn-out by ensuring good nutrition, and sleep and perhaps pursue some kind of recreational activity. Take the same trouble with your personal schedules as you would for a board meeting or review meeting with your colleagues. After all, your relationship with your family is the most important one in your life and it is also the one most taken for granted! Make sure that your career is not all-consuming and robbing you of time with your family.
Draw clear boundaries
Try not to bring your work home and don't use the office for personal issues. Learn to be assertive and say no to tasks that may intrude on your personal time. Nothing is more annoying than a spouse's preoccupation with work-related issues during family time. If possible, switch off your office phones and desist from checking your mail while at home. Focus on your family's needs completely without any distractions. All of us work under stressful timelines and sometimes the lines blur between work and home, but as long as it is the exception rather than the rule it is acceptable.
Introduce your colleagues to your family
Since most of us spend at least 9 to 10 hours at work it is natural that we form close bonds with our colleagues, and they are almost like our family. This may sometimes lead to your partner feeling insecure about your workplace relationships. The best way to win your partner's trust is to introduce your colleagues to them. Maybe you could invite them home for a meal or go out together. Again, this cannot be a very frequent phenomenon as you are already spending a considerable amount of time with them at work. This is just to ensure that your partner is familiar with the people you work with and understands the workplace dynamics better, thereby allowing you and your partner to create a more stable and secure relationship.
Sometimes we allow our marriage to run on autopilot because of other priorities. This is very common in dual-career marriages. While this is fine for a short time, try not to allow it to become a regular pattern. A stable marriage and a secure home are the best gifts you can give your children and yourselves. And like your career, your marriage needs a lot of work as well. Juggling your career with your family is not easy, especially in the current economic scenario and the best way to do this would be to engage actively with your partner and discuss your priorities. After all a fulfilling career and a stable marriage go a long way in increasing your happiness quotient!
If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.
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