Ever find that you end up saying "yes" to a colleague who wants to hand over some of their work to you and rush off on a weekend trip with family, leading to you spending a weekend in the office...? 
Or saying "yes" for a relative's lunch when all you wanted was a lazy Sunday at home with your family...? 
Or going to see a movie you do not really care for with friends...? 
Do you wish that you could say "no" more often without fear of offending or hurting anyone? 

 
If the answer to the above is "yes", you probably need to learn some skills of Assertion. 
The good news is that skills can be learnt, and you too can become an assertive person. 

 
What is Assertion? 

 
Assertion is, in fact, a communication style. It is a style in which you can communicate your needs, wants, and feelings to other people without hurting them, misusing them, or manipulating them. 
Being assertive would mean that you could behave and communicate such that you could come away from situations without continually feeling bad about yourself, and without feeling compromised. Acting assertively will allow you to feel self-confident and will generally gain you the respect of your peers and friends. 
The assertive communication posture says: 
"I count, and you do too". 
The alternate styles of expressing oneself are: 

 
Aggressive Style 

 
Aggressiveness involves expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is inappropriate, threatening, and punishing. The aim is to get your own way no matter what. The Aggressive communication posture says: "I count, but you don't count". 

 
Passive Style 

 
The passive style permits others to violate our rights and shows a lack of respect for our own needs while communicating a message of inferiority to others. The non-assertive person decides that his or her own needs are secondary and opts to be a victim. The passive communication posture says, "You count, but I don't". 

 
Passive Aggressive Style 

 
The passive-aggressive person uses non-verbal behaviour to express anger or resentment that they can't express verbally. They repress their feelings and end up showing anger and resentment in ways such as sulking. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. Not giving up work in time after having agreed to do so is an example. The passive-aggressive communication posture says: "I count, you don't count, but I am not going to tell you that you don't count". 

 
Learning how to be assertive does not concern itself with the causes of the problem, but rather with the development of appropriate skills to cope with them. It is a skill that can ultimately benefit not only us but also the people we interact with. A few things we can give a try while learning to be assertive are: 

• Practice saying “No”: If you have difficulty refusing people outright, try saying, ‘No, I can’t help you right now’. Start by trying this with small requests so that you can practice without feeling overwhelmed or too guilty.  

• Use “I” statements: For example, saying ‘I disagree’ rather than ‘You’re wrong’. This conveys what you are thinking and feeling without sounding accusatory. 

• Rehearse what you want to say: If you have trouble conveying your thoughts, practice general scenarios in your mind, try role-playing with a friend, write down what you want to say so that you have a script that you can practice from, etc.  
   
   

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.