Anger is an emotion we all experience almost every other day. It is a very normal and very human response to anything that threatens us. It comes in all sizes, from trivial annoyances to a full-blown fit of rage, or even violence. How, then, are we required to understand which anger is okay and which one is not? Which anger is healthy, and which one is unhealthy? Where do we draw the line? 

As an emotion, anger itself is neither healthy nor unhealthy. The frequency, intensity, and expression of anger determine whether your anger is constructive and healthy or destructive and unhealthy. 
  

What's the difference? 
We can differentiate healthy from unhealthy anger by how this emotion is helping our needs and serving its purpose. 

For example, if you make a quirky or straightforward response to a friend who was rude to you and the situation was resolved positively, the anger response would be considered healthy and constructive. On the other hand, if you shouted at or punched your friend aggressively, thus jeopardizing your relationship, the anger response would be considered unhealthy and destructive. 

Here's another example - Imagine you come back from a demanding and gruelling day at work to a home that is messy because your 5-year-old and 7-year-old have taken all their toys and spread them across the floor. If your response is asking your children, in a soft and firm tone, to clean up the mess and the situation is resolved peacefully, it is a healthy anger response. If you react with loud and belligerent shouting, scaring your children and later making yourself feel guilty, that is an unhealthy response or expression of anger. 
 

What is unhealthy anger? 
Unhealthy or mismanaged anger tends to be frequent, intense, and long-lasting and hurts others' feelings. It disturbs your relationships, creating an uncontrollable cycle of angry exchanges and blocks you from making well-informed decisions. 

Anger, when healthy, motivates us to stand up for ourselves, address problem situations, and drives us to make positive changes in our life. 

How do I express healthy anger? 
 
1. Share information- Tell the other person about your concern and ask to talk about it. Try to focus on the situation or action that sparked your emotion rather than the person in front of you. 

2. Gather information- Do you know all the facts about the situation? Find out all the relevant details. When feeling provoked, the mind races in an incessant chatter, interpreting the offense, second-guessing, and generally distorting events. Recognize the words spoken by the other person that are making you feel angry and consciously focus on what else they are trying to say. 

 
3. Negotiate your understanding- Express your emotions and then listen to the other person. Be honest and willing to hear what the other person has to say. 

4. Request for change of behaviour- If you do not demand or manipulate for a change, simple plain requests for what you wish to happen would have more positive outcomes. 

5. Channel destructive anger- Recognize how the anger is making you feel physically. Practice deep breathing, exercise, and other strategies to channel your anger. You can read more about this in our other articles: 

Expressing your Anger 
Dealing with an angry co worker 

The more practice you get at channelling your anger and reacting in positive ways, the more easily you will be able to identify and manage anger. 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.