‘Spring-Autumn' or ‘May-December' relationships are how many people describe couples who are 10 or more year apart in age. No matter how balanced or healthy their relationship is, there are criticisms the couple faces some time or the other. 

Why this judgment?  Largely, it's the price of defying the socially set norms to marry someone beyond the accepted 3-7 years gap. Just as a marriage between a man younger to a woman or shorter than her, is still resisted by many. 

Logic behind the accepted age-gap: The origin of norms for marriage can be traced centuries back to the time when the sole purpose of marriage was procreation. Until a century ago a man's primary duty was to accrue family property, and wife's duty was to carry the longevity of the family name. Hence partners were chosen from similar stages of life, with the belief that older man would be healthy enough to work hard for family and younger women could deliver healthy offspring. 

But with changes in the type of employment, societal norms and family relationship patterns have begun to be redefined. 

With people looking at marriage for various other reasons such as a means of self-actualization, having a companion for life, fulfilling unmet desires, boosting their self-worth and more... age-gap relationships are no longer out of bounds. For many couples, age difference just remains a number and never comes in the way of love like actor Dilip Kumar & Saira Banu's marriage (22 years gap). And for some it takes a lot to make it work like Director Shekhar Kapoor and singer Suchitra Krishnamoorthy (20 years gap). 

Walking any uncommon path is more challenging, full of surprise and of course, can be pleasant too. It just takes more preparation and courage. If you have dared to dream differently, read on to know the aspects that you need to consider seriously: 

Compatibility: One concern is there may be differences in level of maturity. However, we all know age alone does not guarantee ‘maturity' (however we may define this term). Family patterns and life experiences determine it too. It's not so uncommon for a 30 and 34-year-old couple to be poles apart on maturity quotient, but a 35 and 50year old to ‘click'. 

Friends & Family: The largest hurdle in most age-gap relationships is helping loved ones understand the relationship. Each partner's close ones might find the other too ‘boring / sober / childish'. If friends and family have the capacity to move beyond the initial awkwardness of seeing one of the partners as close to their parents' age or their friends' age, then they can actually gel well with them eventually. Since their interest is your happiness, initially they might protest hard but eventually caring ones adjust. But if they continue to be non-accepting, this could be quite difficult to handle, since support from family and friends are important in marriage. 

Parental Quality: Psychological research shows that there is a danger that the relationship equation could change from that of companionship to a parental quality, especially in wider age-gap of 15 or more years. Here the younger partner may become dependent on the older one or at times might even lose their direction in life once they find themselves in the safety net of an older one. There is the flip side to this, age-gap could lead to a lot of emotional space for both to keep discovering themselves at a deeper level to achieve greater fulfillment in life. 

Social Isolation: If any one of the couple buckles down to the pressure of social scorn or are unable to let go of close ones' rejection of the relationship, the partner/s may start avoiding being seen with the other in public to avoid pain of judgment. But such prolonged social isolation, can force a dependency on the partner leading to resentment and dissatisfaction in the relationship itself. But if the couple choosing to cope by maintaining old and developing new relationships with people who accept them as they are, this problem can be avoided. 

Difference in Interests: Age-gap can enforce differences in understanding and opinions, lifestyle, moral values, even differences in seemingly minor things such as tastes in music, reading, or entertainment. This is when the couple feels the "generation gap" and might name the relationship a ‘mistake'. To cope with the frustration, if one partner begins to seek the missing element OUTSIDE the relationship instead of working the problem INSIDE, it can lead to additional problems. This is when also the chances of infidelity also increase. 

Strangers' Reactions: Then there are those embarrassingly painful moments. When colleagues or strangers say bright things like "I didn't know you had a son!" or "It's nice to see father and daughter spending quality time at this age too". Or receiving the judgmental ‘looks' from strangers, if they do realize that you are a couple. At times, even the excited zeal of "Oh wow, what did your parents say when they found out" can feel very invasive. It helps being ready with witty lines / gestures or just mentally shrugging off to assert your harmless choice to live life your way. 

Health Factor: The older partner WILL age faster physically. This may not be obvious at the beginning of the relationship but be cautioned that looks can change rapidly in the fifties and sixties. How will the younger partner feel about grey hair and wrinkles in the partner? Age-related health problems could result in slowing down of lifestyle and perhaps the necessity to provide greater physical care to the partner. Of course, cosmetic touch-ups and increasing levels of fitness will reduce the impact but it is impossible to completely remove all signs of age. How does the younger partner feel about this? It may seem very much in the future, but it is important to think about this at the beginning of the relationship. If looks never mattered much to you in the first place, then this would not be uch a big deal. 

Disparity in Sex Drives: One of the dangers in marriages where the age difference is of 10 or more years is that at some point, there is likely to be a disparity in the sex drives of the couple involved. This basic need differences could be a contributing factor to infidelity if it drives one of the couple to seek sexual fulfilment outside. 

Social Reference Faux Pas- At some point one of you / your close ones will say something against the other's generation because your different ages give you different reference factors from your lives. For example, depending on the generation, the person could think by "I flipped..." the partner means tripped over, or am attracted to, or lost my temper. And if you both cannot laugh this off, then this may not be the relationship for you. 

Parenting: Several related issues like whether or not to have children, will the older partner have more time for children as they are well settled in career or will they be least interested as they are beyond the parenting stage in life; how would your children feel when they hear comments when you drop them at school. All these are many aspects that need to be thought through, in this relationship, even before tying the knot. 

 
From the above discussion it should be obvious that each of the disadvantages described can, to a certain extent, be overcome if the couple comes to a common understanding and works at the relationship. Besides there can actually be advantages too. The younger person benefits from the wisdom and experience of the older partner; the older partner can feel revitalized by the younger one's zeal. Each can gain new perspectives and widen their horizons of thinking and experience. Also be prepared, either or both of you might embrace change more readily than you think. 

Hundreds of couples with a so-called normal age gap have broken marriages. Love is about the person and not just their age. Hence, it's also important to look at your reasons for getting into this relationship (see the article Thinking of Marriage?), how much can you both adjustment to the above factors. What other essential qualities of a healthy relationship like commitment, honesty, trust, togetherness etc do you both have in common? These together are the issues that really matter. 

If you are the type that can agree to disagree, and not care for the conventions, then the age-gap can remain in the backdrop of your life. 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help. 
 
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