R and A had been in a relationship for the past four years. One evening R and A were on their way back from a movie. A noticed that R was not interactive at all, and seemed like something was on R’s mind, all along. A coaxed R a lot to share what the matter was, but R would not budge. As R resisted repeated attempts by A to find out what was the cause behind R’s silence, A started getting more and more nervous. Out of desperation, A exclaimed, “Are things so bad between us that you can’t even tell me what is on your mind, R!”, which was when R shot back and said, “Yes. They are. I can’t do this anymore. I think we should break up”.
When one enters a relationship, one hopes that they have found their ‘Happily Ever After’, and seldom entertains the possibility that things, one day, may come to an end. While in some cases, the decision to end the relationship may be mutual, and the parting a cordial one, most often, the decision to end a relationship is taken unilaterally, leaving one partner, who may not have wanted the relationship to end, left with the task of gathering themselves once again, and somehow moving on, in life. What may make this experience harder for this person is the fact that the loss of a marriage or a relationship may not even be treated as a legitimate loss, leading the person to feel like they do not even have the right to be feeling aggrieved. Because society says we shouldn’t be grieving, we end up feeling like our experience is not something that one should be speaking about, as a result of which we are unable to find support (or approach it, even if it were available).
Some of the reasons why experiencing a loss of this kind becomes confusing may be because:
Society did not consider the relationship to be an important one, to begin with – Think about it this way, you are in your early 20s, just coming out of a long relationship, thinking your world has come to an end. Your parents and peers tell you; you have your whole life ahead of you and this was just ‘young love’.
The relationship is not an acceptable one for / not recognized by society – Say for example, you were in love with someone who was from a different caste, or a community or with someone from the same sex, or with someone who was already married to someone else.
The loss itself is not considered worthy of grief because no one died – This comes from the notion that feeling aggrieved over something like this is a ‘waste of time'.
However, none of these reasons take away from the fact that what you are experiencing is REAL and that there is a very real void left by the loss of the relationship. So how does one go about dealing with such a loss? Here are some tips to help you cope accept the loss of a relationship and move on.
Accepting the loss – Whether it means accepting that the relationship is actually over and that things will not go back to the way they used to be, anymore, or accepting that this a legitimate loss and that one has the right to feel pained, acceptance is key.
React to the loss – Quite often, one may go numb, or get preoccupied with moving on right away. Take this time to reflect on what you are feeling, identify it, and experience it, even though it may be painful and hard to accept.
Re-experience or re-evaluate the relationship for yourself – It is possible that when the relationship ends, your view of it becomes either over-idealized or over-critical. Honestly try and remember the good and bad experiences of the relationship in order to have a balanced view of the relationship in hindsight.
Letting Go of Old Attachments to the Relationship – This may be very difficult to do, but ultimately, in the process of moving on, it is important to realize that some things have to be let go of. This is important, not only from a point of view of moving forward in life but also to adjust to a world where the relationship is not a part of one’s life
Readjusting to the new world – It is possible that at this point, you may feel that you don’t like the world without your partner, or even the version of yourself that you are without the relationship. In this phase, one has to re-establish their identity. Some of this may include reconnecting with aspects of the self that had been given up before the relationship, while others may include creating new interests
Reinvest into new people, goals, and experiences – With the relationship out of your life, you will suddenly find yourself with a lot of free time and energy. Use this to invest in meeting newer people, setting new goals for yourself, and experiencing newer things in life.
While loss is something that may never completely leave your experience, the goal is not to forget that the relationship ever took place, rather it is to integrate the loss as something that had taken place in life, once upon a time, and you moved on from. As always, if you feel this is something you need help with, counselling is never a bad idea either!
For more information, you can also read through our other articles:
Recovering from a break-up
Surviving a break-up.
References
What's Your Grief? (2017, March 28). Rando's Six R Processes of Mourning. Retrieved from What's Your Grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com/randos-six-r-processes-of-mourning/
What's Your Grief? (2013, July 08). Disen-whaaaat?? Understanding Disenfranchised Grief. Retrieved from What's Your Grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com/disenfranchised-grief/
If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.