"I wanted to go for a Chinese dinner, but he insisted the Italian place is better" 
 
"She convinced me to go for a movie I was not interested in and I ended up paying" 
 
"He always calls me when he needs something, but otherwise when I call, he is always busy" 

  
Ever said something like this? Feel like you might relate to any of these scenarios? If so, you might have a friend who is a manipulator. Fear not, because you are not alone. A lot of us end up with friends who make use of us for their benefit and we may not realize it for quite a while. Even when we do realize it, we prefer to not take it seriously and we remain in denial. 
 
The manipulator does what she/he does because she/he has this internal need to be in control of everything. They feel that they need to be on top by hook or crook and sometimes the only way to achieve that might be by tricking you into it. 
 
Take the case of the person who did not want to go for a movie, but was pulled into it by a manipulating friend. In this case, the manipulator will convince you to go for the movie and will put you in a spot where you will find it hard to say no. These people give you the feeling that if you say NO, you are not being considerate. They do a pretty good job in playing with your weak spots. They are easily able to identify people who have a hard time refusing others and then they in turn get what they emotionally need from them. 

A manipulator may not survive in every group 
 
His need to manipulate may come from the lack of recognition he may have experienced in another group. He might have been in an environment where he never had his way, because the others were more dominating and always had their way. To overcome this, he will prey on more submissive individuals whom he thinks will give in to his emotional blackmails. 
His friendship can be genuine, but he might end up being inconsiderate towards you - not because he hates you, but because he finds it easy to achieve his emotional goals through you. His emotional goals can be something as simple as getting a chance to pick which restaurant to go to or which movie to watch. He knows that you will not resist because you have a belief that to be a good friend means agreeing with what your friends say and always pleasing them. The manipulator knows that this is your weak point, and he attacks this point. 

How can you really be sure that your friend is a manipulator? 

Most of the times we fail to recognize the symptoms, because we don't want to see those signs and therefore, we don't think much about it. However, if you feel like you never get to choose or that your opinions are not considered, if you end up doing things you don't want to do, or if you are in a position where you will feel bad if you resist and you are made to feel like you are not being a good friend if you do not do this and that, then it is likely that your friend is a manipulator. 

The first step in dealing with such a friend is to identify that he really is a manipulator. But now that you have identified a manipulator, what happens next? Do you want to continue being an easy game for him to satisfy his ego? Have you been gaining anything by giving in to that person all the time? 

The next thing to do is too take a firm decision to draw the line. 
 
A true friend will respect your views and opinions and will consider what you have to say. For example, if you are going to miss out on your favorite movie again, you need to tell your friend that the last few times he got to choose the movie, so it is only fair that you pick one this time. A true friend will agree to this. If he does make a fuss and refuses, then you have to ask yourself if you want to let him do this to you. He has been doing this because all this while you have unknowingly let him do it; now that you are aware, do you gain anything from this relationship if it continues the same way? 

Saying NO or expressing your view does not mean that you are being a bad friend. It only shows that you have an opinion that needs to be respected and you have a voice that needs to be heard. 

 
Remember that the choice to end it has to come from you. You are the only one who can make a difference in your life, as you are responsible for you. After all, a friend in greed is no friend indeed! 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help. 
 
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