Parenting is a challenge. There are times when most parents struggle with disciplining their children. It is important that we impart the right messages and help our children inculcate values and beliefs that will be the foundation of their future life. Yet, as parents we might often face the question, Am I disciplining my child in a healthy manner?

This is a very vital question, because many parents may be using physical force with their children as a disciplinary measure. If so, it is essential to identify when disciplining could be becoming abuse. If you are wondering, what makes this so important, let’s look at the following case of Ashok:

Ashok was 8 years old and he enjoyed playing with his friends. He liked trying out new things like trying to climb a tree, play cricket in a different society, etc. However, anytime his father thought Ashok was misbehaving, he would be taken to the terrace, made to kneel on stones and beaten black and blue. There was no set definition of “misbehaving” that Ashok was able to put together. A lot of the time the beatings were on days that the father had had a long day at work.

This is definitely physical abuse. We might have the best intentions when we engage in physical discipline, but let us take a look at how we can know that we are definitely crossing the line and being abusive.

What is Physical Abuse?

When discipline crosses the line and becomes abuse is difficult to determine, a lot depends on the situation. So how do you know that you have overstepped the boundaries?

There are indicators which point towards definite abuse, which as parents we need to look out for:

• When we talk about physical discipline, any form of physical discipline like spanking, slapping, scorching, hitting with objects, pulling hair, etc. are all abusive.

• When physical discipline is the only method of disciplining being used with children, it is abuse. Alternative methods of disciplining should be considered first.

• It is abuse when a child is hit so hard that there are marks left on the body. For example, if there is bruising, bleeding, etc.

• If you are hitting the child because of your own overwhelming emotions, it is abuse. Putting it differently, the child should learn something if he/she is being hit, not be left confused about what he/she did to deserve the beating. Thus by teaching a child about consequences, they can also know how they can avoid it happening again.

• The child is being abused if you start noticing behavioural issues. It is time to pay attention if your child starts withdrawing from you or seems scared, does not engage in the usual activities of his/her friends, or if they start displaying similar violent behavior with their friends/pets, etc.

• It could also be abuse, if people pinpoint your behavior to you. If it is something that is noticeable enough to raise questions, we need to look more closely at our disciplining method.

Let’s go back to the case of Ashok and see what he had to deal with as an adult: Ashok grew up to have anger management and self-control issues at work. He also ended up questioning a lot of decisions that he was making.

Do read our article on “Parenting tips to avoid Physical Abuse” to understand what may lead to abuse and alternate ways of handling situations.

Do feel free to discuss your concerns and parenting difficulties with our panel of counsellors, online, via telephone or face to face.