As a parent, you may not find it easy to get through to your teenager each time. Your teen may also feel the same way.  

Why parents and teenagers argue

There will be times when these roles clash, such as when teenagers want to do things that their parents think they are not ready for. This often occurs because teenagers and their parents have different views on when a person should be allowed to do things by themselves - like going shopping, choosing what to wear and eat, what time to come home, and what subjects to study. While it can be tiring and uncomfortable, some conflict between parents and teenagers is healthy.
On the other hand, when conflict is intense, persistent, or involves physical or verbal violence, relationships between parents and teenagers may be strained.  

What do parents and teenagers fight about?

Researchers have found that most disputes between parents and teenagers are typically about everyday issues, such as:
 

• Fighting with siblings 
• Cleaning up their rooms 
• Possessions  
• Privacy/their own space  
• Time management  
• Personal grooming such as clothes, hairstyle etc.  
• Academic performance / doing homework  
• Sleep timing (sleeping late and getting up late) 
• Time to return home  
• Music/parties with friends  
• Choice of friends and responsibilities  
• Phone calls (time spent talking on the phone /chatting online)                                        

Issues that tend to generate more heat but occur less frequently include:

• Talking back to parents
• Lying 
• Getting poor results at school
• Getting in trouble at school.

Strategies for dealing with Parent-Child Conflict

A disagreement between parents and their teenage children can often get out of control. There can be yelling, screaming, storming out of the room and slamming doors. Parents are shocked and appalled, sometimes leading to statements like, "where is your common decency?", "how about respecting your parents?" and "when I was your age..." 
Whether parent-teen disagreements result in animosity or a more robust relationship will depend on how these disagreements are handled. When you find that your relationship with your teen involves more shouting than sharing, it may be time to make a change. Consider the strategies below:

1. Accept that conflicts are normal and natural. You cannot always avoid conflicts, but you can decide to manage them with a positive attitude.

2. Remain calm. How you handle conflict is a powerful example for your teen. You are not just resolving an odd argument but also teaching your child conflict resolution skills.

3. Accept that you must listen with the intent to understand. Of course, you don't have to agree - but understanding fosters compassion, which can help you find a compromise or build consensus.

A common complaint among teens is that parents just don't understand. The teen years can feel lonely, stressful and confusing; the teenagers need to know that their parents understand them even if they disagree. 

4. Make sure the real message is getting through. Sure, you're frustrated that you saw your teen being driven around by his 17-year-old friend, but you're probably also worried about your teen's safety. Let your teen hear it in your words, so they understand you're motivated by love and concern.

5. Come up with ground rules for conflict management. These are "fair fighting" rules. Parents and teens should agree on and observe these rules (e.g. no shouting or interrupting, being honest, etc.) during every conflict. Parents and teens should sincerely apologise if/when these rules are broken.  

6. Avoid criticism; offer compliments and encouragement at least four times as much as you offer criticism. Criticise your teen's behaviour and not them. There is a world of difference between saying, "What you did was irresponsible", and "You are irresponsible".

7. Pay attention to language, express pleasure in the teen's willingness to abide by rules, and praise positive behaviour demonstrated by the child. Using 'We' words rather than 'You' or 'I' words; instead of saying "You did this wrong", substituting "We need to work on this" will let the child know that the parent is not looking for an opportunity to boss around but is willing to be involved in the solution.

8. If you tend to lose control of your temper, use abusive or hostile language, or get physically violent, it is vital to explore your emotions at a deeper level and consider seeking help from a qualified counsellor. Again, working on yourself could be critical in effectively resolving concerns with your teen.

9. Respect the teenager's thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. Showing them respect teaches them to respect themselves and, in turn, respect others. Do not interpret disagreement as disrespect.

10. Engage your teen in conversations or activities that don't always involve correcting behaviour. For example, laugh, hang out together, listen to their music, and share a good joke, story or positive experience together. 

11. Sometimes, conflict can become so severe it leads to verbal or physical violence between parents and children. In this situation, you and your teenager may benefit from professional help to find healthier coping mechanisms. Be willing to seek help if the problem continues or worsens. 

While these formative years can be turbulent for some teens, it's essential to take this time to broaden your understanding of your child and work with them to sustain a healthy bond. If you would like to discuss this further with a qualified counsellor, please get in touch with us.