Every parent dreams of having a warm and friendly relationship with their teenager and lucky are those who manage this seemingly impossible task! However for many of us parenting a teen can sometimes reduce us to tears. Do you wonder about whatever happened to that sweet child who used to hang on to every word of yours? How did that sweet child metamorphose into this unrecognizable creature akin to a monster! We wish we had an instruction manual to help us navigate the rocky road through the teenage years or maybe like Gulliver, slumber through these years and wake up to find a mature and loving 21 year old!
A lovely thought, but we need to deal with reality. Temper tantrums, defiance and issues with anger are the most common challenges that parents face while dealing with their teenagers. Here are some tips to help you parent your sullen and angry teen...

Operate from Love Rather than Anger
Okay this one is not easy but definitely worth a try. When one is faced with constant hostility it is not easy to respond with love. However, be firm in showing that you care for them in spite of their behavior. While you may not approve of their behavior, let them know that you certainly have not given up on them. Remember that they will push your boundaries but you need to remain firm in your stand of being unmoved by all the drama. Continue to include them in all the family activities despite their protests and keep track of their movements without being intrusive.

Don't Take it Personally
Remember that teenagers are going through raging hormonal changes and are struggling to establish their own identity as adults. They have a lot going on in their lives apart from academics. Their self-image, interest in the opposite sex, their own sexuality, peer pressure.... there is a lot on their plate and they may hit out at the most available target, being you unfortunately. Their anger may at many times be disproportionate to the actual event. They may be upset about what happened at school or hurting about a remark from their friends. A small comment from you like ‘how was your day?', might result in a major tantrum, but be patient and let them know that you are there for them if they want to share something.

Don't Hesitate to Apologize
However good your intentions are, there will be times when you will lose your temper as well and maybe say things that you don't really mean. Don't be reluctant to apologize and admit that you were wrong. This will ensure that your teen trusts you to be honest no matter what the provocation. If he knows that you are genuine and willing to work through issues, he or she will respond likewise.

"I told you so"  is a Bad Idea!
Teenagers are always pushing boundaries and sometimes they go too far. They might realize it but will certainly not admit to their mistakes. Nagging or scolding will only be counter-productive and succeed in making them defensive and more hostile. Be gracious about giving them the space to save face but explain to them later about the consequences of their actions and your concern about their well-being. They might roll their eyes or pull a face but they are listening, only not in the way that you may want them to!

Teach them Healthy Ways to Deal with Anger
Let them know that while you are willing to listen to their reasons for anger, unhealthy expressions of anger like throwing things around or name calling are not acceptable. Teach them methods to release their anger without hurting others' feelings or hurting themselves. Give them a punching bag or encourage them to go for a brisk walk to work out their anger. Encouraging physical activity helps to expend their pent up energy, teens are able to handle things more calmly after an hour or two of playing outdoor games than when sitting and watching TV or playing computer games.Taking a time out is important for your child as well as for you. When both of you are angry it is best that you walk away after telling them in a calm tone that, ‘right now both of us are angry and so it is not a good time to talk'. Deal with the cause of anger when tempers have calmed down so that you can break the patterns for bad behavior and equip them with coping skills. This will also teach him appropriate ways to communicate his anger.

Explore the Reasons for Anger
It is very likely that your teen may be as clueless as you about the reasons for his or her anger. Explore the reasons for anger together. Maybe they are hurt about being rejected by their friends or afraid about not being in control or frustrated that they have not been selected for the school cricket team or play. Trying to understand that there is always a reason for their behavior, however obnoxious, will help you empathize and relate to your teen more effectively. Often fear is cloaked in hostility or acting out. Of course this does not mean you tolerate bad behavior. Do give the right consequences that you deem fit but be willing to listen to their feelings. This will help keep communication lines open between you and your teenager.

Parenting a teen will probably be more challenging than meeting project deadlines at work! Just hang in there and keep the faith. Remember that your teen's brain is still developing and that they cannot see the big picture. They may act like an adult but they cannot think like one. Also, make sure you have someone with whom you can vent your frustrations before dealing with your teen's anger. If you are patient and loving, you just might spot a vulnerable and often confused child behind the blistering front that your teen puts up! Life with your teen will definitely not be boring!

A related article you may want to read:  "Handling your Teenager"