Someone once said: "Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad."
It is just not enough to ensure food on the table and a roof overhead. Fathers play an important part in the lives of their children. There's more to being a father than just "fathering" the child.
Like almost everything else, it often becomes the woman's responsibility to ensure that her husband is involved in the children's lives! But before you get upset about the added chore, let me add that it's not too bad a deal, because the payoffs are great. Your husband can take some responsibility off your shoulders, share the work-load, bond with the children and give you some breathing room. All you have to do is to help him see it positively and make it manageable for him.
The Role of a Father
It is also true that having an involved and connected father is good for your children. Research shows a strong link between a father's involvement in his child's life and the stability of that child's values, personality, and conduct. Children with highly involved dads demonstrate greater cognitive abilities, increased empathy, more self-control, and less sex-stereotyped beliefs. Additionally, they are more likely to have stable marriages later in life.
If you are a mother, the task of getting your husband involved in your child's life may seem fairly easy. However, there are some camouflaged barriers that you need to watch out for. Apart from the obvious barriers of lack of time and work demands (which can be overcome using skills of work-life balance and time management), is the one in your husband's mind "parenting is a woman's job". To overcome this you will need to convince him of the advantages of spending time with the children, and the positive impact on the children's self-esteem and future.
The other hurdle is the one in your mind ‘he just can't do it right, so why bother!' This is often the most difficult hurdle to cross. You need to convince yourself that even if he does things differently and takes over-an-hour only to bathe your little one, it is time worth spending because of all that your child will gain from it. The one-hour of fun, frolic and bonding with Dad could become the high point of your child's week and it gives you one-whole hour all by yourself! Think about it...
Assuming I have managed to convince you to try it out, lets look at some practical strategies to do so (and even if you aren't fully convinced yet, perhaps you can try it out and see the benefits yourself? After all, seeing is believing.)
Simple ways to show love
A lot of fathers only spend money and buy gifts to show their love. Instead, ask your husband to show his love through his actions, spending time with children, playing games, building things, working on projects together, even hugging the children and saying "I love you". Actions do speak louder than words, and for kids, touch often speaks the loudest.
Make It a Habit
Ask your husband to pick a task and allow him to do it everyday. For example, waking up the children every morning and putting them to bed every night. This way, he will get to do something for them everyday and routines are comforting for the children as well as for your husband.
Do remember though that the task should be picked out only after discussion with your husband. Or better still, ask him to "help" you out, this way he will not feel ordered around and be more willing to assist.
It is also important that once he agrees, he is left alone to do it the way he wants. You can't have him do it, and have it done your way! And nothing kills excitement and motivation like nagging does. So remind him and then leave him alone. And if he chooses to help them dress up, don't worry if the orange socks clash horribly with the pink outfit.
Make It Fun
If it isn't fun, it won't work. Help your husband make it a fun task so that it is a fun time for both him and the children. It is easier if you pick tasks that are inherently more fun, at least in the beginning. Once your husband and children are comfortable with the increased involvement he can graduate on to more serious tasks. Bathing the children, reading the bedtime stories etc. are good for novices. Once both your husband and children are used to the greater involvement he can help them out with homework.
Time Away From You
Ensure that your husband and children spend some time with each other, away from you. It will be good for them to bond and relate with each other, without your supervision. Even if it is a short drive or a trip to the park, let them have some fun alone together. Your husband will gain confidence in his parenting skills.
Look For Positives
Although these may not be very easily visible, and at least not in the beginning, remind yourself to keep looking for positives, no matter how small they seem. There is a lot you (and your family) stand to lose, just because of an uninvolved parent. And remember the bond shared between the father and the child holds much more value than the mere completion of the task.
Celebrate Differences
Dads will do things differently from Moms and that's the beauty of it. Can you think of differences that you can now look back on and feel blessed?
As a little girl, Kavya had the hardest time trying to explain to her Dad exactly how she wanted her hair plaited. It was exasperating and she used to wonder why her Mom couldn't do it. But those were the moments which set the foundation for the strong relationship Kavya later shared with her Dad. She was lucky to have had plenty of those moments. Will your little ones be as lucky?