What is Separation Anxiety?  

Separation anxiety is something that almost all children experience. It looks different depending on the age of the child. It is the distress that children feel when they are separated from a primary caregiver, in most cases the mother. It is a normal reaction. The child is most attached to the parents so naturally, they will feel the pinch when parents are not around. Parents provide that emotional security and the feeling that all is well with the world.  

When children feel threatened and unsafe at times when parents are not around, they may have a more intense reaction. In this case, the desire to be in contact with missed persons causes great upset, extreme homesickness and feelings of misery at not being with loved ones are common.  

Separation anxiety usually becomes evident in children beginning when they are around six months of age. This is because by six months of age, most infants have developed a very strong attachment to their primary caregivers and this strong attachment leads to a feeling of great distress when the primary caregiver and the child spend time apart.  

Symptoms  

• Tantrums  

• Reluctance or refusal to leave either of the parents  

• Repeated physical complaints in the morning before preschool (stomachache, headache, not feeling well, etc).  

• Clingy  

• Following either parent wherever they go  

• Nightmares, scary dreams about their fears  

• Bedwetting  

Factors That May Contribute to Separation Anxiety  

• Tiredness  

• Minor or major illness  

• Changes in the household routine  

• Family changes such as the birth of a sibling, divorce, death, illness, and moving house.  

• Change in caregiver or routine at the day care centre.  

• Parents usually are not the cause of separation anxiety, but they can make things worse or better.  

How to help reduce the separation anxiety  

Start occasionally by using a babysitter, or a helper, taking them to their grandparent's house or relatives by six months of age. This helps the child tolerate short periods away from the parent and encourages him or her to build trust in other adults.  

Even though children of this age do not engage in cooperative play, what might help is engaging them with peers of the same age by 12 months. By age three, the child should be experiencing play groups because they are then ready to develop give-and-take relationships.  

Some form of preschool may be helpful by age 3 or 4. This is especially important for children who seem overly dependent on their parents.  

Supporting a Child Through Separation Anxiety  

• When leaving, give a quick kiss and hug and cheerfully say goodbye.  

• Don't prolong your departure or come back several times.  

• Do not give in. Let the child know that he or she will be all right.  

• Leave something behind like a blanket, teddy or any other object of comfort that can help a child feel secure.  

• Use "key phrases." A key phrase is something that a parent can say that will let their children know that they are getting ready to leave, such as "Goodbye. I'll see you soon."  

• Avoid making fun of a child's separation distress. Try not to scold a child for it.  

• Avoid bribing a child, instead spend quality time with them  

• Continue with rituals you carry out in the morning and night  

• Read books to them, engage in role plays, take them shopping and on walks  

Your child needs your constant reassurance that you are there. Once he/she starts getting used to the school routine, their anxiety will slowly reduce and school will start becoming a pleasant experience.  

When Parents Feel Separation Anxiety  

A lot of parents feel extremely nervous when their child begins school. You may worry about your child's adjustment, whether your child is being looked after, whether your child will be able to make friends, whether he is crying a lot or if you just miss spending time with your child. Your constant worry might even make you want to call up the school just so you can be satisfied, reassured and relieved.  

What are some of the things that you can do to deal with this?  

• Keep yourself busy by planning and scheduling activities. Get all those things done that were not possible as you were looking after the little one.  

• Do something for yourself. Relax, pamper yourself at the parlour, exercise or even go shopping for household requirements. Take some time out and enjoy the quietness.  

• Get support from other parents. Get together regularly and talk about your child - his/her development likes and dislikes or share just how much you miss them.  

• Talk to yourself out loud. "My child is going to be okay" and "I am going to be okay".  

• Visit family and friends, talk on the phone, email old acquaintances, read a book or even take up a hobby.  

Over time, with appropriate measures, separation anxiety will become less intense. Children may, however, experience relapses of separation anxiety when they are sick, tired, after a vacation, or if there is a big change in the family like a new sibling or a move. The important thing to remember is that separation anxiety is a normal part of development. Unless the symptoms your child is experiencing are severe or prolonged, there is no need to worry. 

If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.  

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