Madhu, 35, mother of 8-year-old Misha, mentions that each time her daughter goes out to play, she is overcome by fear as she sees Misha climb up a slide or even a monkey bar. She then begins to visualize the worst things that could happen. Upon going home and rethinking the entire situation, Madhu feels that her thoughts are irrational. Despite being aware of this, she can still not allow Misha to go on play dates without being supervised by other parents or herself. Even when Misha was a toddler, Madhu constantly felt the need to be hovering around her, trying to do her best and often feeling like she was not doing enough for her child.
Parenting is tough. Parenting while battling anxiety is even more challenging. Things and places that bring joy to children like the swimming pool, park, playground, cycling or other sports can strike fear in the minds of an anxious parent. Sometimes this fear or worry might be so intense that it becomes hard for them to realize where it might be stemming from or the fact that it could be unreasonable.
Being cautious about your child, ensuring their safety, and meeting your responsibilities for their safety & care, whether at school or home, is a part of raising a child. However, when all of these thoughts regarding the above become excessive or start to affect you, restricting your child in some way and creating worry periods that are so intense that they affect your daily functioning, it becomes a cause for concern.
Some of the signs that indicate that you might be an anxious parent are:
1. Excessive focus on the dangerous or threatening aspect of situations, i.e. being overly cautious and preoccupied with thoughts of safety. For example, never allowing unsupervised play, not allowing your child to travel to places on their own, dreaming of the bully in the playground, or thinking about the child getting hurt and suffering from significant injuries.
2. Being distrustful of people manifests itself in acts like not keeping a nanny or a helper for the child because you fear anyone else taking care of them.
3. Pushing children towards doing more than what they already are as you are worried about their future and what they will become. Your anxious behaviours are likely to be passed on to them, and they then start to worry about their own goals, perhaps prematurely at a time when it is not necessarily required.
4. Avoiding things that generally other parents would not. For example, you avoid going to a park for the fear that someone might kidnap your child.
5. Self-doubts such as, "Am I doing enough for my child? Am I giving them all that I never received as a child from my own parents? Am I doing the right thing for them?"
6. Preoccupation with thoughts regarding what other people feel about you as a parent drives you towards intervening far too early at every stage in your child's life. It could often lead to over-involvement in your child's life. For example, checking everything your child is doing, such as whether they are doing their homework on time, often calling at various times of the day to keep a tab on them.
Impact on Children
Having an anxious parent means a higher likelihood that the children may also grow up to become anxious themselves. This transmission of anxiety from parents to their children could be genetic or behavioural. When children see their parents' nervous behaviours, they learn to react to life the same way. Limiting the child's exposure to new experiences and not allowing them to explore and engage in various activities may also make them more dependent on their parents for everything. As a result, the child may not know whom to trust, their social skills might be impacted, and they may not be confident in their abilities to handle things.
How to overcome your anxiety?
While it may not be possible to eliminate your anxiety, it can be helpful for parents to learn how to manage their anxieties so that it does not negatively impact them or their children. Here are a few tips parents can keep in mind:
1) Acknowledge your anxieties and try to understand the triggers for it
Knowing where your anxiety is coming from and what you are worried about may help you calm yourself.
2) Avoid thinking about “what-ifs”
For example, if your child goes on a trip with classmates, thinking about "What if he/she gets lost", or "What if he/she falls ill", etc., will only add to your worries. In this case, you can advise your children about what they should take care of,but stopping them from going altogether or stressing about this may not be helpful.
3) Understand that you cannot control everything
Instead of feeling overwhelmed because you want to do everything for the child, think about how you can help your child and let go of things you cannot do anything about.
4) Fact versus Fear
Your child not performing well on an exam is a fact,but thinking that they may not be able to cope with the competition or worrying about their future is fear. Evaluate this fear to understand whether it is realistic or not and what are the chances of this happening.
5) Be aware of your communication with children
Try not to be overly critical of the child's skills and abilities. Avoid statements focusing on catastrophe and calamity in every situation. E.g. "You will fall if you run so fast", "If you do not start studying today, you will never be able to pass the exam", etc.
6) Exercise moderation
Be careful and concerned about your child's well-being but do not deprive the child of any experiences. For example, you may feel uncomfortable with the child participating in a competition because you fear that they may fail and feel bad, or they might not be able to handle the pressure. Even then, it would help if you let the child give it a try and support them in any way they require.
7) Remind yourself that you are doing the best that you can and that your best is good enough!
If, at times, your emotions feel overwhelming, do remember that help is out there! Speaking to our counsellors can help you understand your thoughts and feelings and find effective ways to cope.
8) Open to communicate with children
Listening to children's worries and ideas about changing anxiety-related patterns builds trust and improves communication in the family. By working together to create a supportive and understanding environment, the child feels valued and empowered in their journey to manage anxiety. This not only enhances the child's emotional well-being but also strengthens the bond between parent and child.
If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.